I talk about his all the time, “If I’m not physically, mentally and spiritually fit there is always a possibility of relapse.” Physically I’m exhausted, mentally I can’t tell you what day it is and spiritually . . . Gods I just don’t know. I acknowledge something is going on, now just to figure out what.
A succession of events occurred in the last two months. Back in February I wrote about the travels down a dark path in Struggling . Without looking back, I got through it with the help of my Sponsor and others – which I expressed nothing but gratitude. Afterward, I wrote a couple posts about my relationship with my Sponsor diminishing, then finally at the end of March the relationship just ceased (my doing). Since then I “thought” I was doing fine. Honestly, I’m not sure.
Work is always going to be the “same shit, different day” mentality for me. I try to convince myself there is nothing I can do to change things. People are not going to change despite anything I do, so I just need to grim my teeth and get through each day. But that becomes mentally exhausting.
In recent weeks, there have been times when I’ve worked more than I should at my own expense physically. Working those 16 hour days just kills me for days on end. I still haven’t recovered since the last double I pulled at work.
Spiritually, I just don’t have time. I vowed to bring more spirituality into my life as a possible solution. As usual, I have good intentions at the beginning but after a couple of days its back to the old routine: wake up, blog, drive to work, deal with work, drive back home, sleep, repeat cycle the next day. The only spiritual time I’ve found is driving to and from work where I’m simply asking my Higher Power to get me through the day.
Physically, I’m on my feet running around for eight (or more in some cases) from one end of a hall to another doing things others should be doing because they simply have the mentality of “I don’t care”. Well I do. It’s when I get in that mentality something happens to me and I won’t let that happen. So when I’m at home, I immerse myself either at the computer or watching Netflix.
Last night, I just flipped out again at work. I threw threats of just walking out but not acting on them. I don’t feel like drinking, I just don’t want to deal with the “same shit, different day” attitude anymore. I’ve tried so hard to just worry about my responsibilities but when you work in a nursing environment taking care of residents who can’t take care of themselves, the perspective is different. I can go to an extreme reporting things to my boss. However, I have before with no resolve, yet there is a new Director of Nursing but I know she’s doing the best to “fix problems” and I just have to give it time.
The spiritual side of me looked at recent events in the celestial plane. Mercury retrograde is about to begin April 9, 2017. It won’t end until May 3rd. It actually began March 27th, with a pre-phase. The post phase will end May 21, 2017. I go through this same phase during this time. Things of all matters just don’t work out at all.
I have a plan. It’s not ideal but right now, where I am, I have to do something. People call out for work all the time for stupid reasons which annoys me all the time. The point is I don’t at all. I’ve called out sick ONCE in the last six months of my employment.
Tomorrow I’m going to call out sick because I need that extra day off period. It’s not paid and will hurt me (my consequences). The positive side is that I’ve been told by my fellow employees they don’t mind working double shifts on weekends. Just call it a “mental health day off” because I need it. I’m not going to feel guilty or shameful about it either. This may all seem selfish to some, so be it. Whether it works or not is to be seen. But I’ve already made up my mind. It’s a done deal.