The last few days of this last weekend were just exhausting. Friday I reported working early, doing an eleven-hour shift, while Saturday and Sunday I did two 16 hour shifts per day. Last night, I got a good nights sleep since I slept only seven hours the last three days. Why am I such a glutton for punishment?
One, I have no life. In reality, this has been true for many years now. While I have friends here and there, I don’t have anyone I can just hang out with. Now that I live in Van Etten, it’s even harder to visit those people. But I accepted that when I moved here, so I’m okay with my decision. I’m actually enjoying the solitude.
I have new expenses. My rent increased quite a bit which was expected. There are new bills to pay associated with my new home. So, most of the time I’m ordering “take out” for lunch or dinner. I have a gallon of milk, creamer, a can of cat food and a couple other things in my refrigerator. There hasn’t been time nor the money to get groceries. Besides I’m not home enough anyway, it would be a waste of time.
Despite the agony, pain, frustration and all the other feelings associated with any employer, I’ve always taken my employment seriously. I rarely call in sick and I don’t take vacation days until I get enough money set aside to take an actual vacation. Neither of those happened much, ever. Since I have no life and need to pay my bills it’s just become a lifestyle. A bad one really.
Sometimes part of me goes back to analyzing everything. Why do this to me? Why am I here again? Can’t I just live a normal life? Why can’t I make enough money to enjoy life? Yada, yada, yada. I use to reach for a drink in an attempt to make the voices stop. I have conversations with “my committee” still to this day. But somewhere in the conversation, the other parts of me just give up because I know picking up a drink is not the answer.
But I manage. Somehow, since my sobriety, I’ve pulled through some really bad times. I give most credit to my Higher Power and my ex-Sponsor. Even recently, with no Sponsor (as of yet), I’ve still attended meetings when I can. I talked to people about my recovery Both with those in recovery and those who are not in recovery. If anything, I’ve taken the time to vent here. Despite my crazy ass, workaholic lifestyle, I have still managed to stay sober.