It’s been a rough week for me with the death of my cat, Heart. For the last week, I’ve been a miserable human being. Previous experiences taught me I would be going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
The two most prominent stages were anger and depression. The cauldron of anger was already stirred with my misery at work. My anger was misdirected to those I work with and the situations unfolding at work. Almost every day I thought about walking away from my job. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was dealing with enough pain, I refused to deal with more. Instead, I bitched and complained about everything and everyone around me. As I look back, I look like the fool (again).
As a Star Wars fan, I have to imbed this video in my discussion:
The path of anger led me down to the pit of depression. I had no motivation to do a damn thing. For most nights, I just watched episodes of NCIS on Netflix, fell asleep and repeated the same thing the next day. I didn’t even fight to get out: I didn’t care; I had no motivation to do anything; I could care less about the world around me. I did the only thing I could attach myself to – my computer and Netflix. There were periods of time where I thought I may be coming out of it. Then I would sink back in. I was tired of looking at Facebook. I wasn’t interested in playing Achaea, which I typically do in the morning.
There were periods of time where I thought I may be coming out of it. Then I would sink back in. I was tired of looking at Facebook. I wasn’t interested in playing Achaea, which I typically do in the morning. I didn’t have any motivation to cook nor go to the store, so I bought roast beef subs from the local gas station a few nights. I knew it was getting really bad.
Yesterday I convinced myself to talk to my Gods. For some reason (I just noticed yesterday) I lost power the other night, so my other computers were all off. I turned the one on I use for my spiritual practices to find 500+ messages waiting in my email box. So I made myself read them and make use of them. I guess it helped because some motivation has returned today.
I don’t know where this is going to lead me right now. However, I do know “there is a light at the end of the tunnel.” So, right now I’m opening the windows to my home, pulling back the shades and letting the autumn sounds and smells permeate my surroundings. It’s the beginning of coming out the other side.