My Absence

The whole month of October continues to be a difficult one for me. Mostly all job related has added much stress in my life.  I suffered a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) or “mini-stroke” back in May 2011, as a result of my addiction.  While I’ve tried to change my lifestyle (i.e. losing weight, eating healthy, starting a fitness routine, etc.), I have not been really proactive at it on a daily basis. Thankfully, I have a three day weekend. Therefore, I’m going to continue a sabbatical from this blog and concentrate on my spirituality. Things need to change very quickly.

My blood pressure is up 20 points which concerns me. I know I have too much stress in my life (as documented here). There are times when my anger gets ahold of me and I haven’t had that happen, as it does now, in many years. I’m now fearing for my job as four people have been terminated in the last week. So hearing this adds much more added pressure.

Since I moved to my new home, I have not had the chance to set up a new Primary Care Provider. While I would like to stay with United Healthcare Systems (because all my history is there), I’m also thinking to change to something different. Right now I”m leaning on staying with UHS due to the current situation. However, doing so would require a “new patient visit” and a “follow up appointment”. Thankfully my current meds are still renewed through my old PCP. The point is I need to get the ball rolling on a new PCP.

I have not dealt with the death of Heart, my cat, well either. Many days I’m more depressed than anything because I have no one to talk to or care for. While I promised myself I would do so when I moved in July, I really haven’t. Instead, my concentration was on Heart. Now that Heart is gone, its hard to move the focus back to me. I’m not sure if I’ve gone through all the grieving stages.

I need to revisit all of the 12 Steps. I have grown complacent in the last couple of months not truly “living the program”. That needs to change before something drastic happens to my sobriety.

I’m almost ONE MONTH from TEN YEARS of sobriety. I’m NOT going to through it all away. Right now, I have that choice but if things progress down the road I’m going, I may not be here at all.

 

7 thoughts on “My Absence

  1. Hi Mikey,
    Sorry to hear that life is so tough on you currently. Not surprised you BP reacts to that. 😦 Mine does :-(.
    You mention that you want to take a sababtical from this blog. I think not being online is a good thing in itself. You hear a ‘however…’ coming up… I wonder if shutting yourself out from a place where you can anonymously talk about stuff is the best idea right now. Well, obviously, spending time ‘in the rooms’ would be a better alternative, if that is where you can find what you are looking for. Or finding a new hobby to do with a group?
    Wishing you well, sending hugs,
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comment Feeling! You’re right, I shouldn’t isolate myself (as I see you may be suggesting). I am not a very social person, it’s just not in my character. But I try having not been successful since I moved here. Again, part of me prefers the solitude where I can do my own thing learning more about myself. I should document more here, however at this point in time its work related and if I write, publically or privately about what is going on, I could get in a LOT of trouble. Basically, it’s the same shit different day and no one gives a flying f**k. <—see, there is an example – lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmmm, not entirely true that nobody gives an ff. I am not going to pretend that there are a lot of people out here who can put other peoples’ issues in front of their own, but I think people (here) do care. With the disclaimer that this caring is up to a certain point where they can handle somebody elses shit on top of their own. If somebody elses shit gets too heavy and I put mine out there as well I tend to notice that people back away. Which might give / gives (!) an impression of them not giving an ff. However: I am the same. It seems to be a natural rule to want to team up with the winners. :-/ It is a natural, biological reaction to not want to associate with darkness and illness for that matter. I guess you as a nurse will recognise that? . It takes special people, with a lot of insight into suffering, fear and projection to be able to deal with other peoples misery.

        Also when you say; “same shit different day and nobody gives a ff” I read; “I am tired, I am angry at the world for not caring, I would really like to give up caring but that hurts too.”

        Back to the caring: what I read from / how I interpret what you say here is that you tend to be ok by yourself. Also, that you are hurt and in trouble right now and you prefer solitude over contact. On top of that: you have just moved to another town and your social netwerk needs rebuilding so in order to actually be social you would have to put in some effort. However, you do not feel up to that after work because work is exhausting. Since you are angry and dissappointed the outside world does not look all too appealing (?)

        From a distance it seems like you are doing the A, L, T and S of HALTS. My 1 + 1 = 3 here is that it takes only a little push for you to go spiralling down. Or..?

        Assuming I am on point with writing that, I continue to say that I am not sure what I can do to help you with your issue (assumed by me) but…. if any of this hits home you might want to adjust some stuff here and there. 😉 Like having a good cry over it all. It is a difficult world to live in. But trying to find what makes you spark might be worth it. 🙂

        What about going out for breakfast / lunch with a good book next time you are off during the morning / day?

        Hope my reply to you is not too far off. If so, don’t worry, just delete.

        Sending hugs and love,

        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

      2. What I’m referring to is the nursing home environment where I’m currently employed and in general. While I understand it is a business, it is also people’s lives. Yes, business comes first? That sickens me and there is nothing I can do about it. Yet, I’m not going to ignore it. I will continue to vent at work at problems that need immediate attention. But in the end, no one cares looking the other way. It goes against everything a CNA is all about. It’s one of those situations where I’m screwed if I do and I’m screwed if I don’t. Though I try my hardest to do my job, as required, others do not making my job even harder – again, not caring but for themselves. Now that I’m writing this, perhaps I should just put the dirty laundry out there.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ha! I was off track then!
        Sorry to hear this. As I understand this is a very common, unhealthy situation in the health and elderly care. 😦
        Heads-up non what I know about screwed if you do / don’t: one sign of running into a burn-out is giving up on caring. It seems to take a maximum of 6 weeks from the decission to not care to a total burn-out.
        I have not learned my lesson in giving unasked for advice so I just continue with saying: maybe find a friend / professional confidential person on the workfloor whom you can confide in? Take care.
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am at ten years and hitting a rough patch too. I don’t desire to drink, but I’m filled with anxiety which makes doing things hard. I do have a good medical team to help and that gives me reassurance. Maybe if your doctor thing is worked out, the other things won’t seem so overwhelming. Odat.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comment Mollie. One of the issues is my financial situation changed at work. I’m struggling to keep within my budget, thus falling behind in my bills. That hasn’t happened in many years now. It’s scary, frustrating and pisses me off at times because its time like this I need that extra cash to get to a doctor. I could have UHS “bill me” but then I feel guilty if I don’t pay it on time. But I really do need to investigate the options to me.

      Like

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