I wrote a post about how life is normalizing, yet it was kept as a “draft” so I deleted it. After I wrote the post, everything changed. I snapped at work writing my resignation for the following day. After talking to my Director of Nursing, who wouldn’t accept my letter of termination, I rescinded it. However, my level of trust in anyone or anything is at an ultimate low.
The month of October was a very difficult month for me. As you know, October 5, my cat passed away. Knowing the stages of grief, I didn’t expect it to last a complete month. Death for me is something I see on quite a regular basis working as a Certified Nursing assistant where many place their loved ones for “end of life” care. But when death hits home, it’s a whole different ballgame. Luckily I had a three day weekend ahead of me in an attempt to clear all the lingering cobwebs. I knew nothing would change at work unless I changed myself; there wasn’t anything I could do to stop the flow of a raging river as I sat helplessly on a stone in the middle of it.
As soon as I walked in the door Tuesday all the way through Thursday night the tension and frustration rose to new levels. I literally blacked out, cutting everything around me out in silence during a conversation, until a co-worker shouted at me. I walked away, not saying a word, wrote my letter of resignation for the following day at the end of the shift.
But then the guilt set in as I just learned my proposal to work 3-12 day shifts and another 8-hour shift was approved. My Director of Nursing was still in her office talking on the phone. I placed a note on her desk, “I’m on break, if we can talk I would appreciate it.” So for another 30 minutes, I spilled my guts out (yet again).
While I no longer have a high regard for this person, as I used to in the past, our conversation was still civil. She wouldn’t accept my letter of resignation because she “understands your[my] level of frustration” while puzzled by events just preceding our conversation. I explained to her I need to protect myself because no one else would protect me in the long run. She hasn’t convinced me of her “pipeline” plans. But I was willing to give my new schedule a chance. Honestly, is it going to change anything? Not at all. However, making her a promise, I would “stick it out for now”, I watched her shred my letter of resignation.
Now I’m in the process of working a full week straight, plus I picked up two additional 8-hour shifts on top of that, until my next day off on Tuesday. Sunday, I begin to work 3-12 hour days, another 8-hour shift having three days off. If I choose, I can also pick up more hours for a small incentive and overtime.
Again, I do not work for the potential of more income (though it’s quite a nice surprise in my pocket). I work as a CNA because I care about the lives of the residents I care for on a daily basis. Therefore, I will continue to report those who do not meet the expectations of the Department of Health in New York State. On the other hand, I must continue to watch out for myself, as I trust no one.
I feel alone in a vast ocean approaching a turbulent storm.
Batten down the hatches, Matey, ‘cus there is rough seas ahead!