As I read the last final entries of my diary in 2007, I feel like I’m reliving those moments right now but without the alcohol in my system. Someone, who I recognize now as my Higher Power, was sending me signals; I just want’s listening to anyone by the voices in my head. The only word coming to my mind is CHAOS!
Journal Entry – I’m Just a Drunk (11/28/2007)
Yesterday, my neighbors found out that DSS (Dept of Social Services) underpaid them for years! So one got $5700 and the other $3000 paid to them in benefits all at once. One friend got me a carton of cigarettes and loaned me $100 for fuel. The other neighbor I spent three hours at his house getting drunk. This morning I woke up at 8:30am. I forgot, drunk me yesterday, forgot to buy coffee. So I cracked a beer open. NEVER have I done so in the past. My rule is to wait until 12 noon. But I bought a 30 pack last night. So its done, its stated here…I’m a fracking (as they say on the new Battle Star Gallatica show on Sci Fi) drunk! This is definitely my bottom, there is only one way that that is UP!
Summary of events going on at this time:
- I was three months behind in rent. My landlord had enough threatening to evict me by December 1st for non payment of rent.
- I had committed several criminal offenses to be where I was at the time.
- I had just received my HEAP fill for my fuel tank (so I had heat!). So, that $100 got spent somehow (I don’t remember where it all went). Perhaps I gave it to my landlord but that wasn’t likely.
- I still had no food in the house. I was living on coffee and beer. Now I had no beer.
- Laundry had piled up in my laundry room. That was the least of my problems.
- Yet, I had hope – something was about to happen.
Of the other events that happened at this time, I can only name a few. What wasn’t written in my journal was my so-called friends and I had an argument, so they cut me off. I was truly alone in the world. However, running around in my house was my cat, Fate.
I had received Fate from another mutual so-called friend (another alcoholic), Rick. He had a large litter failing at selling the kittens. She was my world. Yet, I never got her neutered. She went into periods of “heat” which drove me “crazy”. What I did next was imaginable but happened. When she was in “heat” she would whine, drag her arse on the floor all the while crawling toward me. For me, it just broke me. Without a thought, I grabbed her by the scruff of her neck throwing her across the room, she hit the lower portion of the opposite wall, landed on all four paws and continued to whine at me. I was in complete SHOCK – what the F**K had I done? I cried and held her for hours after the incident.
As my own selfishness consumed me, I didn’t see the “signs” all around me. Only now, as I read back on my entries, do I see something.
Horoscope for 11/27/2007
You feel stronger than ever now and ready to take on twice as many challenges as you have lately. It’s a good time to lay the groundwork for any major plans you’ve been making in the recent past.
For some reason I posted this poem:
By Lady Sayuri
Arise each day
Lessons we learn
Along the way
Change is inevitable
Progresses us forward
An evolution begins
Embrace these waves of change
Momentum moves us higher
In our vibrational frequencies
The Divine inspired
I can only feel my blood pressure rise as I re-read this entry. Despite the chaos, the signs were there. However, in active addiction we are consumed with a host of “bad” feelings which we dwell on. Typically this is called “The Committee”. The Committee, for me, consisted of Me, Myself and I. “The Committee” argued constantly. We should do this . . . We should do this . . . We should do this . . .
The circle spins and there is no end . . .