** This may be a very long post. An unloading of random thoughts **
This particular post is not regarding sobriety but just random thoughts, to myself and those who wish to read, ravaging my brain at the current moment. I have have highs and lows throughout the month of December for various reasons, some documented here. As of late, it feels as if my brain is the consistency of scrambled eggs.
As typical during the holidays, there tends to be a lot of people who do not report to work. I don’t have the luxury of going home when someone doesn’t show up. While “volunteers” are requested, it all depends on who is in the mood to stay. For instance, Monday night I ended up working 16 hours instead of my regular 12 hour shift.
Just working an extra four hours after a 12 hour shift creates havoc. Typically, I am in bed by 9 or 10 am. Not getting off until 11am, then driving home to arrive at 12pm and finally winding down puts me at going to bed around 1pm. Thus, I only get four hours sleep before I pop myself out of bed at 5 pm to leave at 6pm to be at work at 7pm.
As I’m mentioning work, work has been my life lately. I feel like all I do is work, eat when I can and sleep. While my body has adjusted to the new schedule most days I hit my mark or going to bed around 9 or 10 am. But there are days I don’t go to bed until much later. As the new year approaches, I need to make a commitment to keep a consistent sleep schedule.
Enough about work – its my day off . . .
For some reason during the holidays, I tend to shift my focus on my spirituality and family. Both are very important to me. Yet both take so much time, I feel like I have time for nothing else.
Samhain (Halloween for those reading) I celebrated a New Year. Things haven’t panned out since then so I’m planning on celebrating the Celtic New Year, Thursday, December 21, to start all over. Unfortunately, I have procrastinated. It’s in two days, I have nothing planned and that was one of my New Year goals – to plan in advance and attend. UGH. I can only try again.
Things started to get loopy at the beginning of December. I tend to look at the calendar when unexpected events happen. Awww, crap! I forgot about the Mercury Retrograde from December 2nd through December 22nd. (For those reading, find more information on Mercury Retrograde Do’s and Don’ts, click here.) For me, Mercury Retrograde can really hit me hard, while other times it is just mild. I should have prepared!
For some reason, my finances have gotten out of whack. I’m trying to save money to fix my car (it needs new tires for Winter, brakes and an oil change). Winter is here, I’m driving on “not good” tires. The brakes squeak badly. Lastly, the “maintenance needed” (usually oil change) light has been on for at least two months. Why do car repairs have to be so damn expensive??
Back to Mercury Retrograde – here is a prime example. JUST NOW! Electronics have major disruptions during a mercury retrograde. Before computers existed, lights would blow, the phone wouldn’t work, etc. In today’s society it’s hard to do anything without the computer. Since I have several, a variety of things have happened.
Just now, I was typing this post for the blog. Suddenly, for no reason at all, the browser goes back to a page I visited a couple days ago. While I’m working on my laptop, one would assume I may have mistakenly pressed some buttons. I didn’t even have my hands on the keyboard!
The “main event” happened the other day. My eyesight is really, really bad. Right now, as my laptop sits in my lap, I’m straining to see things. Yes, I know I could increase the font (which it is), window’s size (I have an old laptop, small screen – pain in my arse!), or project it to the TV. Well, for the last couple of months I have been projecting it to my 50+ inch TV. But you want to guess what happened?
After coming home after work one night, I found my TV off its stand, tilted on the floor, with a computer screen embedded in the middle of it. Apparently during the night, the (cheap) TV stand collapsed, sent the TV down to the floor catching the corner of the computer right in the middle of the TV making it inoperable. Therefore, I’ve had to go back to old school. Old monitors and working on my laptop’s small screen. UGH. Therefore, everything for me has become harder to complete and takes a lot of time.
Spare Time – Hobbies
Typically, I am not a gamer. However, with my spare time I have got involved in computer games, Lusternia and World of Warcraft. Why? Because I have no real life, I was hoping for some social interaction. This hasn’t happened at all.
I have been involved in the MUD (Multi-User-Dungeon/Dimension) world for a long time (Gods..the early 80’s). In the early years, I started with Achaea, Dream of Divine Lands and since have made several characters to “keep in the loop” (with changes to the game). But I got bored. Lusternia, another MUD by the same company was something different, so I recently (again) tried it. Again, the social aspect is now nil, so it is on the back burner.
With the holidays, I tend to concentrate on my family – my ancestors. I’m an amateur genealogist tracing my family’s history prior to the public introduction of computers. Technology has grown by leaps and bounds, thus genealogy has gotten much easier than the old days when we hard to write for copies of records. A $20 month subscription from Ancestry.com can get you all the United States records currently accessible online. However, even today, it can still be a challenge.
I decided for 2018, I would create a new tree basically starting over. I have an old “tree” (family history), that is quite extensive – now private. The internet provides records research but also the collaboration from other users – all of doing the same thing, researching our family history. However, with genealogy getting exact, correct, verifiable information is still not an exact science. For those who don’t know the role of a genealogist, let’s just say that researching your family history takes a lot of time, patience and money.
I now live in a trailer (again), so there are bound to be rodents. Those of us that live in single trailers on land tend to experience an ongoing rodent problem because our structures are raised, thus rodents, especially during Winter months, tend to seek shelter during winter. Expected, so be it.
I have know the existence of a rodent in my walls. Literally, on my days off, during the night during Fall and now Winter, he/she scratches (building nest) which can annoy me to ALL HELL. However, knowing this when I moved here, it was expected. However, thinking the trailer was “secure”, “closed up”, I didn’t think “he” would get in.
The other day I got home to prepare dinner – a combination of Polish sausage and noodles (alfredo style). Time slipped by and the noddles over cooked and partially burned, thus I removed the pan from the burner. That night I worked the 16 hour shift so I didn’t get home until 12pm. To my surprise, the whole pan of noodles was GONE with little claw marks in the pan. This compliments the animal tracks outside (that I should have taken a picture of when I had snow just yesterday!) which clearly shows an animal of some sort is coming from across the road, down the skirting of my trailer and finally getting underneath. Therefore, I have called him George.
George and I (call me the “Animal Whisperer”) talk to each other. When I hear the scratching, I typically pound on the wall. He/she stops while I’m yelling, “Dammit, stop it”. To be honest, this animal has to be smart. He/she will scratch once – scratching stops. Two scratches – scratches continue. Thus, when the later happens I say, “Would you hurry up already . . . your nest is fine!”. A short time afterwards there is silence.
Rats, mice or vermin of another kind are common. But a co-worker mentioned that since I live by a farm (across the street), there is a large chance I may have a ferret tunneling in my walls. I’m not worried about George. Call me crazy but whether its human or animal, its a type of socialization!!
CE – BFF w/ Benefits
Background, as I don’t talk much about “him”.
Honestly, that title was hard to write. I don’t know what “we” (if that even exists) are. For years there’s been a codependent relationship. Sex and recovery. Fine, call me a 13th stepper. I admit it. I failed miserably and I have paid the price. Unfortunately, I am still paying for it. Hence the reason I have not taken on any newcomers. We, in recovery, tend to stick to the same gender. Thus, for me, its hard when I’m attracted to them. After CE, I have vowed to NEVER to do this again.
He is in prison. He committed a crime, so he’s paying the price (again). He was given 3-7 years based on his past. While he thinks he is getting out in three for good behavior, I’m not sure what is going to happen. His first was violent felony, while this one is not. Nowadays, due to overcrowding in prisons/jails they release those with non-violent convictions. But with his past, I’m not sure what the result in his parole hearing.
Part of me wants him to stay in, while the other part want him out. This is my codependency at work. Honestly, primarily because I WANT him to get sober and change his life. Secondary is sex. Even in prison he tries to manipulate me. Sometimes he succeeds, while others (like currently) he does not. So why not cut him off? Fear.
He’s grown up in the prison system most of his life. (I know – “Hello! WTF are you doing?” Simply – long story.)
*** Break . . . A minute with George, please – – – ***
Again, part of me wants him to stay because of his manipulation and selfishness. While he confesses to become sober and lean toward a new life over the previous year I have not seen a change (yet part of me says, “How can he in prison?) Perhaps giving me more time to put down the hammer and say “we are done”. On the other hand, he claims to have sources in and out who can find people and “do things” to his bidding. While I think this is a complete and utter lie, I do take “threats” seriously. Yes, I live in “no mans land”, however CE is not really in sobriety, so he will use his skills to do everything to “pay [someone] back”. Intimidation – it scares me. Honestly, part of me just wants to get over him. Threats – unfounded. Simply – move on. Yet I can’t. For me it’s the hardest thing to overcome in sobriety; a defect in character which will take a lifetime to master.
Well now that I have “unloaded”, again my brain is scrambled eggs, I have no idea where I have been nor where I am going. I guess the slate is clean and after over an hour or more I can tackle something different.