Resentment

“Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.”

“In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.”

~Alcoholics Anonymous, Big Book, page 64.

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NOTE:  This post did NOT go in one direction as intended, sadly…

Resentments tend to build with time unless we take the initiative to resolve our issues as the Steps have taught me. If not, harboring such resentments will lead us down dark paths, possible relapse and for some death. Far to long have I ignored such a resentment while it was at the end of my nose.

The beginning of 2018 was an especially difficult time for me. But it really didn’t begin there. The disappointment, anger, and fear has been festering for quite some time. Day by day as I put one foot in front of the other, struggling with each day, I have simply ignored it. I have struggled to deal with it. However, this morning I’m determined to change the direction I’m heading before its to late. Thus, “setting them on paper.”

It’s now obvious to me, though I am sure to others it’s been obvious for a while, I need a new direction in my life. I made perhaps the worst decision of my life becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant. It was a decision I made out of desperation. At the time I needed a job. I convinced myself, despite my knowledge of the field, “things won’t be so bad”. With seven years of sobriety under my belt, I could handle almost anything. Oh, how I was so wrong!

The complete disregard for human life, the disrespect of our elderly and their lives, the lack of compassion and understanding, the greed of corporations and those working in the field turning a blind eye to all of it absolutely disgusts me. It is suggested, knowing this, if I make one person’s life more bearable today, then I have done my job. Really? Therefore, I should be happy with myself for the fifteen minutes or less I spend with someone to bring some sort of compassion back in their life when only moments later it’ll be wiped away when the next person steps in? I find no comfort in that at all. In this case, there is no compromise. There is only one solution ahead of me – a new direction.

As of now, I am not simply walking away. I can’t and I won’t. Until such time that I sever such relationships, I am required by NYS to uphold these core values:

(1) the dignity and worth of each resident as an individual;
(2) a respect for the range of diversity of individuals;
(3) a demonstration of a therapeutic relationship.
Now I can breathe . . .
Since I already have a AAS in Computer Science Information Systems, which is completely useless these days, I have decided to look into a Bachelor’s of Science degree. However, this will be a struggle too.
My previous college experience has gotten me in a large debt. So, I need to get approved for additional funding. At the same time, I still have to work in my current field to help pay the bills all the while going to college at the same time. Therefore, there will be many battles going on at once.
Do I really want to take that plunge?
For now, I’ll write more later . . .

4 thoughts on “Resentment

  1. To even consider a new direction is brave of you and proves you can do anything. Ok, well, not literally anything, but there is something for you out there, the thing you were born for. It may not be the money maker, but will make your life worthwhile. I’m excited for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you Mollie. I am actually looking to get a Bachelor’s Degree in Information Technology Network Operations. Programming, problem solving and my analytical mind are my strengths. Therefore I need to follow my passion back to Computer Science.

    Like

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