The Relapse

We make stupid decisions when our active addiction fully consumes us. Perhaps this is not the best time to dislose these details here since I’m currently drinking. But the original purpose of this site still remains the same:

It is my hope that this blog serves several purposes. It offers a glimpse to the non-addict of what an addict and a recovering addict goes through in life. The hope that another addict reads this blog and starts their own journey in recovery. Lastly and most importantly, a blank canvas where I can explore my thoughts, feelings and my creative side.

There is so much I want to say, yet want to keep to myself. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start. So I might as well just dive right in.

I knew a replase was coming. It was obvious. It had been a lingering thought in the back of my mind for a while. A growing fear I was about to travel down a dark path, yet again, in my life to only who knows where.  I simply did nothing to prevent it; I simply gave up the fight.

Honestly, I was playing a dangerous game with myself and those around me. On the inside, I was a miserable mess; I was lonely, tired and hungry. On the outside I portrayed this strong, confident person (or so I thought). I guess I was waiting for someone to ask, “Hey Mike, is everything okay.” I probably would have cried like a baby. The expectation people acually cared. No one cared. Oh but now they all do, as I’ve been fielding messages, texts, etc. all day. In the end, I was lying to myself and everyone around me everything was okay.

Am I angry right now? Actually I’m not. It’s more of a feeling of relief. But its just a cover up of my fear of the future. Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of where this is going to take me. I’m scared of not getting a job anytime soon. I’m scared of ending up exactly where I was ten years ago.

Side note:
I’m attempting to refrain from saying, “I know..” because I don’t.
I don’t know anything right now.
I know nothing.

It’s clear to me what I need to do. I’ve just become extremely lazy. I’m made excuse after excuse after excuse. I have not accepted responsibility. I’m just not there yet.

I know There is/was never an expectation drinking would “solve my problems”. I know My problems are still there when I wake up. The hundred emotions are all at the forefront.

Right now, I woke up at 2 a.m., I’ve had my forth cup of coffee. I’m trying to stay focused but its hard. “The fog” is beginning to creep back in. The “committee” is awakening. I simply don’t care. I don’t get pleasure out of this at all. The smell of Budwiser disgusts me,  yet I continue to pick up one can after another. All those AA slogans crash into my head at the same time. It’s the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

Hopefully some day soon I crawl out of this hole. I just don’t know if it’s going to be today.

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “The Relapse

      1. Well that’s up to you, really. First, make a decision. Then, get in the middle of the crowd on wagon so it’s harder to fall off. Then, and this is the tough part, call your sponsor BEFORE you drink. Not after.

        On one hand, if it was easy, anyone would do it. On the other, it’s not rocket science, bud.

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      2. Gods, I hate to say, “I know..” Obviously, I don’t. I have an ex-sponsor who knows nothing of the medical field, thus doesn’t understand a damn thing I’m going through. I just gave up on him for various reasons a long time ago. So, basically I don’t have a Sponsor. I get the “its not rocket science part”, I really do. I’m almost there, making that decision. I despise the way I feel right now. I’m actually disgusted.

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  1. Sorry to hear that you have relapsed. I have had the feeling that something was up for a while but I do not have enough experience to see where it would lead. And while having my own head up on my own ass I have not been in touch a lot. Sorry to not have been ‘there’ for you – might be a big word, but at least present somewhere in the sidelines.
    I am sending you a hug, a hug close enough to feel close and sheltered, but not so tight that you feel closed in. A long, long hug where you can cry and let go of all that you can let go of. I’m wearing an old t-shirt so you can sobb all you want. 😉 You can let go of the tension, the resentment, the anger against the system. Let go of the frustration about their inhumanity. You have brought help and compassion to those who needed it and stood up against your commercialised management. And that is good, you did good; bad things happen when good people do nothing. Now you can let go, you did what you could. If that means you did not save the world – that is ok. It is ok. Being helpful was never meant to get you down. It did. And now you need to rest. So do so. Take it easy on you. Since sober I have (had to) quit 2 jobs where I did not feel safe. It is what it is. Taking care of you is your right and your obligation so you did what you needed to do. Now you need to rest, and cry, and be hugged (hugging you now 🙂 ) cry a little more, sleep a while and take care of you. No need to get out in the world again till you feel like doing so, till you can stand on your own 2 legs with (possibly shaky) confidence and say: “This is me, I have fought, I lost some, that hurt, I wish it were different but it is not – so be it. This is me.” When you can do that, I’ll let go of the hug. (And change my t-shirt which you and I have sobbed all over by now 🙂 ).
    Dear Mikey, I’m having a salad for lunch/dinner; red kidney beans from a pot, wash and and let dry on paper towel, 2 tomatoes diced, 1 yellow bell pepper diced, 1 minced garlic clove, 1 minced 1/2 chili pepper, loads of coarsly cut parsely or koriander/cilantro, like 1 cup. Mix all with nice olive oil and salt, add one diced avocado on top and feta cheese to it, some boiled eggs to it are nice too. This will feed 1,5 person or a very hungry one. 🙂 Will you be having the same dinner with me where you live? We will both set the table, light a candle next to us to remind us that there is light – eventhough we might not all ways see it. And after we pray, meditate or maybe write or watch a cheesy feelgood movie. When dinner is settled we drink some Sleepytime tea from the Celestial Seasonings or the Bedtime tea from the Yogi Tea. Is it a date? 🙂
    xx, Feeling

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  2. Thank you for “being there” for me. I appreciate it. For now, I’m in misery. I’m down. While part of me has hope, part of me does not. I’m just disappointed with myself. That comes with relapse. Knowing I should have done something and I didn’t. I just quit. I do need rest, but I have a life I need to get back in order quickly. I recently quit my job so I need to get another one. I just have to get off my lazy ass and do it. But the drink must be put down too. I can’t continue like this and I know what I need to do. I’m just not there yet.

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    1. That is ok, you do not need to be there yet. That is all ok. You’ll be ready when you are ready. 🙂
      And I’m gonna continue writing a little here, hoping that something might bring some ease to you because you are coming down on you pretty hard.
      You have been under too much pressure, unhealthy pressure in a very unhealthy organisation which took hours of your life you needed to restore. Be in a situation like that long enough and everybody goes down, one becomes ill, gets a sore back, migraines or be moody and lash out to the family, other people, 10 to 20% of the population start drinking (again). Unfortunately that is how it is. You did not fail, you just learned another way that does not work. The past is a lesson, not a prison. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
      In which I think you learn you need(ed) more selfcare. 😉 You did not give that to you yourself because you were too tired after caring for others for tremendously long, frustrating hours. Do that long enough and the care-deposit gets emptied. And that is where you are now.
      I do not think you are lazy. You have overworked yourself for months, worked more hours for everybody else than was good for you. And now your system puts a halt to things. Please note I am not unaware of your difficult (financial) situation, I’m in the same situation: no work, no welfare, no idea what the heck to do with my life, but blaming me and trying to drink / chocolate it away only makes things worst 😦 . There is no problem that did not get worse with drinking. 😦
      Aah, I’ll stop here with asking: what would a man who loves himself do?
      xx, Feeling

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