We make stupid decisions when our active addiction fully consumes us. Perhaps this is not the best time to dislose these details here since I’m currently drinking. But the original purpose of this site still remains the same:
It is my hope that this blog serves several purposes. It offers a glimpse to the non-addict of what an addict and a recovering addict goes through in life. The hope that another addict reads this blog and starts their own journey in recovery. Lastly and most importantly, a blank canvas where I can explore my thoughts, feelings and my creative side.
There is so much I want to say, yet want to keep to myself. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start. So I might as well just dive right in.
I knew a replase was coming. It was obvious. It had been a lingering thought in the back of my mind for a while. A growing fear I was about to travel down a dark path, yet again, in my life to only who knows where. I simply did nothing to prevent it; I simply gave up the fight.
Honestly, I was playing a dangerous game with myself and those around me. On the inside, I was a miserable mess; I was lonely, tired and hungry. On the outside I portrayed this strong, confident person (or so I thought). I guess I was waiting for someone to ask, “Hey Mike, is everything okay.” I probably would have cried like a baby. The expectation people acually cared. No one cared. Oh but now they all do, as I’ve been fielding messages, texts, etc. all day. In the end, I was lying to myself and everyone around me everything was okay.
Am I angry right now? Actually I’m not. It’s more of a feeling of relief. But its just a cover up of my fear of the future. Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of where this is going to take me. I’m scared of not getting a job anytime soon. I’m scared of ending up exactly where I was ten years ago.
I’m attempting to refrain from saying, “I know..” because I don’t.
I don’t know anything right now.
I know nothing.
It’s clear to me what I need to do. I’ve just become extremely lazy. I’m made excuse after excuse after excuse. I have not accepted responsibility. I’m just not there yet.
I know There is/was never an expectation drinking would “solve my problems”. I know My problems are still there when I wake up. The hundred emotions are all at the forefront.
Right now, I woke up at 2 a.m., I’ve had my forth cup of coffee. I’m trying to stay focused but its hard. “The fog” is beginning to creep back in. The “committee” is awakening. I simply don’t care. I don’t get pleasure out of this at all. The smell of Budwiser disgusts me, yet I continue to pick up one can after another. All those AA slogans crash into my head at the same time. It’s the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
Hopefully some day soon I crawl out of this hole. I just don’t know if it’s going to be today.