Mind Dump

Today is one of those days I need to simply write what I’m thinking. Yet again, a thought about drinking crossed my mind last night.  I won’t lie to myself or others,  I’m not okay – at all.

Everytime I’m in this place I think of the following passage as if its a clock tower going off to sound a new hour of a day, “Gong….gong…..gong”:

“Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.” Spiritual Experience Page 568 of the AA Book

First, I must be honest with myself, as well as others.  I have always held firm to this belief. Later, we’re taught to put things down on paper so that we can deal with them instead of finding other outlets to escape. We look at ourselves, what we have going on, prioritize those things, then deal with them one by one.

For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
1 Timothy 6:10 King James Version (KJV)

Wise words from men long ago . . .

It’s frustrating the hell out of me I’m in a financial mess.I’m not even sure right now if I’ll be able to pay rent from this month by the 15th. The landlord has already accepted this month’s rent late, so asking another “favor” isn’t in the playbook. Meanwhile, all the other bills I have to let go for this month. Right around the next corner is next months rent, if I’m able to stay here.

Now I’m in a comfortable situation at work, I can start working extra hours. At first, I didn’t want to put myself throught it just piling more stress on me. But the way I look at it now, its necessary. Not only because I need to pay my bills but my car just keeps getting worse by the day. There are two bald spots on the front tires, so there isn’t time to waste getting it in and serviced. Other services, alignment, brakes and an oil change are way past due too.  It’s the only transportation I available to me.  No transportation means a worse situation I am in now. As far as other options like carpooling isn’t an option either, nor is moving closer to work.  No one of my co-workers lives anywhere near me and living in Ithaca, NY is like living in NYC. To rent a one bedroom in many place is over $1000 a month. My car is the only thing I have, so it needs to get done sooner or later.

The biggest issue in my life is my friend. Yes, the one who screwed me over to many times to count.  I know – I simply need cut all ties. But I can’t. He’s an addict to a point if he’s on the street for any longer he is going to die.  Why should I care?  Because I do.  It has nothing to do with “feelings” towords him or fixing him because I have my own problems.  Because of his past, everyone has shut him out.  He hasn’t been given a chance. Yes, he’s screwed up. Didn’t we all – some of us over and over. But I truly believe there is a chance for him and I am not giving up hope.

On the other hand, I know what I’ve been through and I will not under any circumstances go through that again.  I haven’t made a decision. When I do it’ll be mine to accept the consequences, if any.  People may hate me, I get it, so be it.

I honestly don’t think I will continue to be a CNA. My application to a college for my bachelor’s was accepted.  I just need to follow up to talk about funding.  Right now, it’s not even the time to start classes. I may never start anything the rate I’m going.  I have other priorities, then I’ll follow the lead down this road.

Lastly, another friend from long ago may be less than a year from getting released from prison.  He’s another one, same situation, I helped and got screwed.  But after all these years we have talked and I’m on the side he wants to put his past behind him. But part of me says, “Hold on, wait until he gets out. You don’t have to make any decisions right now.”

Monday is my day off, so I’m starting a new routine. At least I have a plan to start something new but this time I’m going to make every effort to make it happen. I’m still in the working a total committment stage. It would the self-doubt I can actually do it.  It’s been started over and over again, always fails, so what’s going to be different about this time?  That is the question I’m trying to answer.

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