This Clam is Shut

For the last year I have tried to create a new life for me. I changed jobs in hopes something new would come along I enjoyed. I moved to the country with hopes to build peace and serenity in my life on a daily basis. Lastly, I made goals and stuck to a budget (to the best of my ability). What I’ve learned most? Don’t trust a damn person but yourself and your Higher Power.

In sobriety, I learned to take responsibility for my actions, accepting the consequences and,  after making a mental note of the lesson(s) learned, then I moved on.  Sometimes I could see same cycle of patterns I have experienced in my past.  What did I do?  I did something different. Doing the same thing, expecting the same results, doesn’t work.

Trust must be earned, at least from me. I thought I had a good gauge of who was trustworthy in my life:  employers, co-workers, friends, new people I’ve met in sobriety. Apparently I was completely wrong. At one point I literally felt like the Universe was pinning everyone against me.  I went down a rabbit hole I vowed to never go down again.

The hardest part, at least for me, is trusting people ever again. Therefore, at least for now, and until proven otherwise, I will not trust another human being expect for my Higher Power.  It’s unfortunate. I don’t want to become this type of person. It seems selfish, but from my viewpoint, at least now, I do so for my own protection and survival.

Don’t worry. I still post my Daily Readings. The readings help me throughout the day. It’s always been my hope they may help my readers. For anything else, I am a clam, closed shut, for now.




8 thoughts on “This Clam is Shut

  1. I am sorry to hear people have misused your trust. 😦
    When I entered into a programm for detoxing and sobriety support I had to answer a list with questions. Several of the questions enquired after my trust in people. I spoke with the doctor about the why. He said it is part of the addictive personality not to trust people. I am still not sure if that is the case but a lot of addictive personalities are based in trauma so I guess trust got damaged along the way too. I answered that: “I do not have an issue with trust, other people have an issue with being trustworthy.”
    During the last 4 years 10 months not drinking a lot of my opinions on life, people and myself have changed but this one has not. I do however find that I do not want to be surrounded by people whom I do not trust. When drinking I did not care so much because the loop of combination of ‘feeling’, ‘realising’ and ‘taking action’ did not work anymore. 😦 Nowadays I don’t bother socialising with people whom I do not trust – if I can get away with that. 🙂
    Sending sweaty hugs from heat wave Amsterdam.
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is a bit funny, and I am no expert on this but the more I am true to myself, the easier it is to see other people’s true nature as well.
        Also, it seems to be that most relations are based in the first ever 20 seconds of meeting eachother. What we feel there and then, usually continues. Roughly there are 3 categories: wanting to kill, befriend or bed somebody. I found that information very helpful.
        Still, it sucks when people betray others. I have real difficulty dealing with that to the point where indeed I do not open my heart anymore like your blog title suggests . 😦 I hope you are otherwise ok – if such a thing can be said in these circumstances. 😦
        Sending hugs,
        xx, Feeling


  2. You’re right: Trust is earned. (And even then it requires a leap of faith.) Someday you’ll probably find people you can trust and be able to let them in. Till then, I totally relate to taking it as it comes and letting your Higher Power guide you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comment. You always put what I say in a different light (a good thing). Looking at my mess is exactly the point of the post. Hence, this is the concentration in my life right now. I can’t help others until I help myself, right?

      Liked by 1 person

  3. anna12hours

    I’m sorry to hear that your trust has been dented, that’s shitty! I’ve probably always laid myself open to being stung but thankfully I still go about life assuming good intent until the opposite is biting my sizable backside. Lick your wounds, sometimes we all need a little while to reflect and mend (and I don’t think that’s selfish), but then try to go on and not allow untrustworthy fuckwits to dampen your spirit. Feelingmywaybackintolife above I think puts it beautifully – it’s not your issue, it’s theirs! It’s not your issue with trust, it’s their issue with trustworthiness. What a great way to put it!! Anyway, chin up if you can! All the best, Anna


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