Every morning I turn my will and my life over to the care of the Gods as I understand Them when I wake up. I am also grateful for waking up sober another day. But sometimes, as few as they are, I wonder if the Gods are playing a cruel joke on me?
Unexpectedly, there are great changes in store for me not of my own doing. Friday my laptop decided to take a dive for the worse and stop working. I’ve exhausted all avenues of trying to fix it. Perhaps it’s for the best. I am reminded of a quote, “You Don’t Know What You Have Until It’s Gone”. This is so true for me right now.
I’m lost; I’ve become so dependent on technology I don’t know what to do with myself without it. I’m not sure if the Gods are playing a joke on me or whether they are, yet again, testing the strength of my sobriety? With technology in my hands I could keep my mind focused on recovery or my hobby of programming. Now, I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my spare time. It scares me.
I don’t like rushing through life, as I feel like I am now writing this because of my limited time at the library on a “public computer”. I have become so relaxed and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. Now I feel that serenity is shattered. Someone has thrown a stone throw the mirror. The pieces lay broken at my feet and I’m paralyzed unable to do anything. Oh Gods, help me get out of my head. This is my fear.
Despite this new experience, I trust I will get through it and learn whatever the lesson. I have a 1-on-1 with a counselor, two AA meetings and treatment group today. Thus, if I take it, I have opportunities to talk about what is going on.
I just wish this was a cruel joke and I would just wake up . . .