I’ve often wondered during this week if there is such a thing as “to much recovery”. I attend an average to two meetings a week, plus another Fellowship (Codependents Anonymous) and all the other running around I do for myself and others. After talking to my Sponsor, he agreed a “break” was needed, just a day or two of taking care of myself. That was the plan. I’m simply exhausted from this week’s activities.
Yesterday I made it a point to have a “me” day. My plan was to stay home to get some non-AA things taken care of, or at least started, so I wouldn’t be “overwhelmed” next week. But my Sponsor inviting me to a Grapevine meeting we typically can’t attend in another town, so I jumped at it. There was another meeting in the afternoon which is part of my home group so I felt obligated to attend. Afterward, I had to physically remove myself (for reasons I don’t remember now) so I took a walk to the store. When I got home I wanted to do something “mindless” (i.e. automated, something that doesn’t make me have to think) so I played my game, Achaea only to have those plans smashed (for good reason).
Even this morning, I’m still feel physically, mentally and spiritually spent; I just don’t have the energy to do anything. Yet, I have two more meetings today: a regular “Hole in the Doughnut” meeting, early this morning and an AA District meeting. My Sponsor politely asked us, of those he sponsors, to attend “because there are some new responsibilities for me I need help with . . .” Sometimes, often more than not, I feel I have a duty, as a responsible AA member, to attend such things at any cost, even my own.
Why did I have to “remove” myself from my own home? There is a particular person, a woman, who was visiting my roommate. Even though she “claims” to be in recovery, the WHOLE community knows better and knows her intentions where ever she goes – to us its no secret. However, I respect my roommate’s decision. For me, I had to leave because I just want “rip her a new one”! Long story short . . .apparently she was “half lit” when she got here. She also produced a bottle of alcohol to my roommate. It was then he asked her to leave. On her way out she slams the door. Oh no no no..that did not just happen in my presence! My roommate and I had a nice little chat. I was honest with him, he with me and we agreed she is no longer allowed her. Period!
No matter where I am or what I’m doing recovery is all around me; I live in a recovery residential program, everyone I know is in recovery, everyone knows I’m a “go to” guy if they need to speak to someone about recovery, etc. While that is all well and dandy, there are time I just want to be ALONE. But that just can’t happen either.
** break – went to a meeting **
I went to the meeting with an intention of “telling people how I feel”. But the topics and what people said is what I needed to hear. It improved my mood a little. I still want to “barricade myself” (as I just told my roommate) in my room, take a nap and play my game. But part of me strongly believes if I do so, it may (if I let it) get closer to a drink, based on my experience. This is where the program kicks in and works for me.
Instead of saying anything at the meeting I listened; everything in the meeting had relevance to me and how I feel. Instead of focusing on all the negative, I need to turn it into a positive:
- I didn’t drink today; I’m sober.
- I’m not alone. People in the meeting shared their craziness. I’m just like them, an alcoholic who has times where are emotions are on our sleeves. The point is – I don’t have to act on them.
- I go to meetings because it is there I will receive the answers I’m looking for and I did!
Today, I’m right where I’m suppose to be. While it may be overwhelming at times, there is a lesson to be learned. Don’t forget where I came from! Something I hear in meetings all the time, “My worst day sober is better than my “best” day drinking.” I’m not having a bad day, just disturbing thoughts I need to push through one step at a time.