Recently I did a 4th Step with my Sponsor in AA two weeks ago. Most of my fears were things in my future which may or may not come about. After careful review, I let most, if not all, go. However, yesterday another fear developed after certain events with my roommate.
My roommate, the one that I might be living with in the future, decided to get into a relationship with a woman early in his sobriety. It went badly, not once, twice but a few times. The other day I found him still talking to her which in turn as made him extremely grumpy and angry. He conveyed to me, “I’m a piece of shit, I hate myself.”
For myself, I had to learn to put up a boundary regarding their relationship early on. I spoke to both of them individually telling them of my own experience of such things. I left it there letting the relationship fall apart in pieces but was willing to be there for either if they needed someone to talk just to listen.
Yet, something has changed my roommate into a very angry person. An angry I have not seen in him ever. Yesterday, he got so angry in the afternoon he took a chair and kicked it letting it slide through the dining room. Immediately I put myself in my past and got scared myself. Last night I wasn’t able to sleep but off and on thinking about my possible future with him.
Today, I need to talk to him about what’s going on. Though he might not like it, I need to convey my fear to him. He scared the shit out of me. Honestly, I don’t want to be around that type of person at all. My past has taught me to simply run from any verbal or physical altercations. I don’t have any desire to live in such an environment.
On the other hand, I have gotten angry myself but didn’t take it out on others. Yes, I was definitely a whining, complaining, miserable a-hole. I admit it. It wasn’t until I sat myself down, looked at my part and let it go because those around me didn’t deserve such treatment. I didn’t need to experience it. But through this process I’m learning not to take it out on others around me. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I have to give him the same respect.
Part of me doesn’t know what to do, so I’m going to talk to my Sponsor today. Honestly I haven’t seen my Sponsor at meetings in the last two days so I need to check in with him anyway. But I need some “suggestions” on what to do in this case. I don’t and can’t change my roommate; I acknowledge my roommate is going through something and I have already said I’m willing to listen if he chooses. But we have plans, moving in with each other and he recently invited me over to his mother’s house for Easter this weekend. My fear now is that both things may not happen. I can tell myself all I want I’ll be disappointed if things don’t happen but I know differently. I’ll be angry too over something I have no control over and it’s going to be hard.
Perhaps I need to stop projecting what may or may not happen while just letting things happen. If our future plans don’t happen, so be it. It may be for the best; it may be what my Higher Power wants because perhaps I’m not ready in my sobriety this time for such things to transpire.
Despite my lack of sleep I still woke up in a relative good mood. I’m not going to let other external things take it away. I’m starting to enjoy my new freedom and happiness.
It’s okay to say, “I just don’t know.”