Today, I am trying my hardest to stay sober and not smoke. Thus far, this is the hardest day I have had in the week and a couple days after I quit smoking. It’s my short-fused temper. People know – they are looking at me saying, “Mike, you looked pissed off. What going on?” True statement. Now what do I do about it?
It’s only been three hours since I woke up. I was awaken by a knock at the door from a person I sponsor. Again, he had a run in with his roommate telling me all about it. He did good by not getting physical and letting staff worry about the other person. I’m glad for him. But for some reason, it just set me off on this piss ass mood.
Then I had to attend treatment group. Of course, the group topic had to be hope, forgiveness and relationships. Right now, I don’t have much hope – I’m struggling. When asked to talk even the counselor recognized my mood, “Something is bothering you Mike.” So I simply said, “Forgive me for my mood today. I’ll just pass.” There was complete silence because typically I always share. To make matters worse, when I did try to share people were having side conversations and being rude, so I just shut down.
Come home to find my front yard covered, literally, in bread crumbs. My other roommate was sitting on the porch, “Oh that was me. I’m sorry. Mike, you don’t look like you’re in a good mood.” My response, “I’m not” as I had to bite my tongue before I told him what I really thought.
At this point in time it is taking me all my strength not to lash out at everyone. I have no reason to be angry with anyone or even myself. However, every conversation I have had this morning, my temper just starts to bubble out of control. I just don’t like it – I don’t like it at all.
I have a coffee commitment at 11:30 a.m. before the noon meeting. Then another appointment after the meeting. Of course part of me just wants to take a walk saying, “F**k the meeting”. But today, I firmly remember what happened the last times this happened. All the little shit turned into a big resentment and off the the races I went – I drank.
To help myself at this point, I think I’m just going to listen for the rest of the day. I have to remind myself about “tolerance, pity and patience’. Acceptance rings in my head – accepting people, places and things as they are right now. Perhaps I need to practice, say and truly believe in gratitude right now. I feel like I’m fishing for answers with no bait on the end of the hook.
I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like where I’m at. It’s bugging the shit out of me. I need to take a long walk after all this is said and done. It’s then I can be connected with my Higher Power and ask for relief from this insanity. Perhaps this is all in the grand scheme of things – to remind myself, I’m no different from anyone else. We all have good days and bad days. It’s our actions of what we do with it.
As hard as that may be right now, I can’t forget where I’ve been. I really do need to get out of myself. There is a small glimmer of hope “this too, shall pass”.
I’m committed not to drink and not to smoking just for today.