Facing Fears

Recently I did a 4th Step with my Sponsor in AA two weeks ago. Most of my fears were things in my future which may or may not come about. After careful review, I let most, if not all, go. However, yesterday another fear developed after certain events with my roommate.

My roommate, the one that I might be living with in the future, decided to get into a relationship with a woman early in his sobriety. It went badly, not once, twice but a few times. The other day I found him still talking to her which in turn as made him extremely grumpy and angry. He conveyed to me, “I’m a piece of shit, I hate myself.”

For myself, I had to learn to put up a boundary regarding their relationship early on. I spoke to both of them individually telling them of my own experience of such things. I left it there letting the relationship fall apart in pieces but was willing to be there for either if they needed someone to talk just to listen.

Yet, something has changed my roommate into a very angry person. An angry I have not seen in him ever. Yesterday, he got so angry in the afternoon he took a chair and kicked it letting it slide through the dining room. Immediately I put myself in my past and got scared myself. Last night I wasn’t able to sleep but off and on thinking about my possible future with him.

Today, I need to talk to him about what’s going on. Though he might not like it, I need to convey my fear to him. He scared the shit out of me. Honestly, I don’t want to be around that type of person at all. My past has taught me to simply run from any verbal or physical altercations. I don’t have any desire to live in such an environment.

On the other hand, I have gotten angry myself but didn’t take it out on others. Yes, I was definitely a whining, complaining, miserable a-hole. I admit it. It wasn’t until I sat myself down, looked at my part and let it go because those around me didn’t deserve such treatment. I didn’t need to experience it. But through this process I’m learning not to take it out on others around me. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I have to give him the same respect.

Part of me doesn’t know what to do, so I’m going to talk to my Sponsor today. Honestly I haven’t seen my Sponsor at meetings in the last two days so I need to check in with him anyway. But I need some “suggestions” on what to do in this case. I don’t and can’t change my roommate; I acknowledge my roommate is going through something and I have already said I’m willing to listen if he chooses. But we have plans, moving in with each other and he recently invited me over to his mother’s house for Easter this weekend. My fear now is that both things may not happen. I can tell myself all I want I’ll be disappointed if things don’t happen but I know differently. I’ll be angry too over something I have no control over and it’s going to be hard.

Perhaps I need to stop projecting what may or may not happen while just letting things happen. If our future plans don’t happen, so be it. It may be for the best; it may be what my Higher Power wants because perhaps I’m not ready in my sobriety this time for such things to transpire.

Despite my lack of sleep I still woke up in a relative good mood. I’m not going to let other external things take it away. I’m starting to enjoy my new freedom and happiness.

It’s okay to say, “I just don’t know.”

You Are So Annoying…

This is absurd. I don’t know you and you don’t know me and we are not having this conversation at all. You are rude and uncouth, and presumptuous, and I am leaving now . . . You are so annoying. !

Titanic (1997)

I love this dialogue from the Titanic movie (About 2 minutes, 30 seconds). That describes the start of my day. Only I wanted to commit murder! First thought, wrong thought, right?

I was awaken by a knock on my front door at 7:45 am. A douchbag, scum of the earth (**cough**) neighbor knocking on the door asking for a cigarette, again. He proceeds to ask, “Oh did I wake you?” when I’m dressed in no shirt, sweatpants and no glasses. My mind, “WTF, do you think I’m trying to start a new fashion trend? F**k off! Instead, I politely said, “What are you doing? No I don’t.” Then for the next minute of two I had to endure is lightning speed apologies up and down. While he is in the same residential program I am, it’s common knowledge the guy, who just got back from detox, is hooking up with another neighbor for drugs. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do but say, “Please don’t ask again, ever.”

Now I’m pissed. I’m a person once I wake up there is no going back to sleep. I didn’t go to sleep until 3 a.m. because I was enjoying playing my game in silence for once. Since I had a book to return to the library, I took a walk. By the time I got home I felt much better. So I started my morning routine. Doing so, I am reminded of the 4th Step of AA. I need to practice tolerance, pity and patience with people who are perhaps sicker than me. Sometimes that’s a tall order in itself!

On the positive side of life . . .

I received a notice from an app, today I am seven months sober. What? Holy guacamole! It seems like I just started this new journey the other day across the street. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I was going to survive but here I am working on myself, one day at a time.

Yesterday, I was asked to speak at a local rehabilitation center on Friday night. Despite my early sobriety, the person cleared it with the facility (before even asking me). As always, it’s an honor to share my experience, strength and hope.

As I look back in the seven months, I have worked on so much and changed in unbelievable ways. Though I haven’t done the Steps in CoDA (CoDependents Anonymous), I work on those issues daily. I’m more aware and take action to ensure I don’t slip back in those behaviors. Right now, my Sponsor and I are working Steps Seven, Eight and Nine. So hopefully today, if I’m not selfish playing my game, I’ll take a few hours to work on those Steps while the other two roommates are out doing their things today. Working with guys from the halfway house isn’t frustrating as it was in the past. I recognize I can only share my experiences and how I stayed sober in my past and today. The decision to stay sober themselves is up to them, not me. Lately, there has been quite a turnaround, so we have some new faces. There have been many disappointments, as others I had high expectations. It is what it is.

I can only keep myself sober today.

Moving & Stress

Disclosure:
This is a long read. More of my own whining to myself of everything that happened during the month of March in regards to the move. Technically, I should put this on “private” but I left it open since no one specifically was mentioned, so I’m not breaking confidentiality. Read at your own caution.

Before I get started, here is the the amazing part of how a program of recovery works in someone’s life. I didn’t have one thought of drinking this whole time. While not noted here because it’s a daily routine I was always going to meetings, talking to my sponsor and/or talking to another alcoholic/addict. Today six months plus sober I still live, “One Day at a Time”.

The last week was a struggle dealing with a move from one apartment to another. The whole process of this move was a fiasco since its inception. It was just frustrating one step after another. The three of us aren’t content about the move but realize we really had no choice. Several decisions were made which we have no control and now we’re left to deal with them. However, there are definite lessons I learned from the experience.

At the beginning of April our old landlord visited saying, “I heard you guys are moving at the end of the month.” We all looked at other shell shocked. Our program staff made no mention of it to any of us. Further, I had just met with my case manager that morning. It immediately got my blood boiling, so I called to find out more answers. I had to speak to three people to get an answer. In other words only ONE person knew what was going on with “the move”. Then she proceeds to pass me on to my case manager because I was on tilt. I just hung up. Yes, I did and five minutes later I realized what I had done. I called back to no one answering the phone. So ideally I have an amends to make in my future. The next day we learn it was something in the process which just was finalized. So instead of letting clients know first, they let the landlord know. Ideally we should not be talking to the landlord anyway (confidentiality) but our roommate apparently has a good relationship with him. Our case manager apologized for the “way the situation was handled”. He gave us our final move out date as Friday, March 29, 2019.

Days or weeks later it gets worse. We learn our new apartment is not a three bedroom but a two bedroom. Before we moved to supportive living, we shared bedrooms in the “three quarter house”, so the point of supportive living was to get our own bedrooms. Thus, two of us have to share a bedroom – again. My freedom of having personal space suddenly taken from me with no consideration. Luckily for me, my now roommate and I have made plans to move our of the program in our own apartment before this process (in August 2019). A little inconvenience, so be it. However, to make matters worse, this new apartment was right across the street from the halfway house and the three quarter house. Instead of taking a step forward, I felt like I am moving backward.

The blows kept coming last week. Staff, almost every day, “You ready to move? Why don’t you have stuff packed up yet?” Our privacy in the old place was interrupted almost daily by staff about this or that. The old landlord had two potential renters himself who wanted to see the apartment, so we had to deal with him, “Clean this place up, made it look good. By the way I don’t want you in the apartment when I show the place”. Here we were moving week, I had purchased four plastic storage containers because staff provided, let’s just say not the ideal boxes to move (i.e. empty bulk paper towel boxes, soap boxes and others from a grocery store).

Two days before the move I happen to see another person of the program walking down the street who was also moving. “Hey Mike, you ready to move on Thursday?” He proceeds to tell me the move date was moved to Thursday instead of Friday. My roommate had just gotten back from his meeting with his case manager and wasn’t told a thing. He calls his case manager who proceeds to tell him, “Oh yea, something was said about that in the morning…..you know unexpected things are going to happen.” The morning before the Operations Supervision makes a visit before 8 a.m., “Good morning, is everyone ready to move.” I just left to take a walk and smoke a cigarette. She tries to prevent me from leaving and I just kept going. The thoughts in my mind were not appropriate for the situation.

Last week on the day of the move, Operations Manager pops in 8 a.m., “Everyone awake, the movers are going to be here in 30 minutes.” The whole time, we were suppose to be the last apartment to move because it was agreed we were much more organized so it wouldn’t take as long to move. Luckily we were ready. Then she stabs again with, “Tomorrow I want everyone here at 8 a.m. to clean the place. I’ll have a list of things I want done.” All I could think was, “Can you just leave…NOW?” Eventually the movers came, packed our apartment with our help relatively quickly in an hour. Then it was a waiting game. Four hours later, they are finally moving stuff back in our new apartment. My roommate and I had nothing to do all day but sit on a park bench waiting for the movers to get done with the other apartment. Apparently they had nothing packed or organized. I think after all said and done, we got settled at 6 p.m. or 7 p.m. We had to beg the Operations Manager to buy us pizza ‘cus our food was still at the old apartment.

Friday morning, I went down the street to smoke a cigarette. the Operations Supervisor yells across the street, “Mike, are you going to the other apartment to clean.” I mumbled something and kept walking. She’s lucky I didn’t say, “F**k off, [X]. Just leave us the f**k alone already.” As I’m sitting smoking my cigarette my other roommate comes to join me, his face red as a tomato. Apparently, the OM made it clear, we had to clean the old apartment by one o’clock, before she leaves for the day or there would be a consequence and we would be staying the weekend at the halfway house. In addition she expected the floors to be spotless, ‘I better be able to lick them…” At this point I had enough but I wasn’t going to get involved.

Fast forward to this week Monday. I was ready to battle with my Case Manager (who is also the Clinical Supervisor) about his staff. He and I have a good repertoire, so I know he would listen. At many points, he agreed with me, apologized, asked for suggestions, etc. But I told him it didn’t make a difference; there was no point. I know from my own experience these programs don’t care about their clients, which is very sad. All programs care about is money. Unfortunately my expectation when I got here was high, today I’m beyond disappointed because I feel like dollar signs.

Now it’s literally been a week since we’ve been here. We still don’t have a washer and dryer installed. But upstairs, the other residents that moved got their NEW appliances yesterday? It’s been a week since I’ve done laundry and now its going to be a whole weekend without washing clothes. We didn’t have trash cans either with four bags of trashing piling up outside so I took three of them from the halfway house. Anyone care? Nope. Lastly, we have a ant problem in our bathroom. Has anyone looked at it or taken care of it? Nope. All three things were given to my case manager on Monday to handle. His response when I asked him during the week, “Oh, I thought it was taken care of. I’ll check on it for you.” We say in the program, “You can’t bullshit a bullshitter”. Absolutely BS.

Moving from a three bedroom to a two bedroom requires some adjustments on everyone’s part. I respect my roommate but his lazy ass doesn’t wake up until he has to do something in the morning, if he has to do anything at all blaming his psych medications or a situation. I didn’t have to deal with it at the other place; our old address we had our own rooms. So I’m sitting out in the living room trying to get in my Morning Zen Routine, as I call it, and the other roommate now watches, “Trailer Park Boys”. In the old apartment he watched TV in his room. On that’s right, he hasn’t got someone to hook up his TV because he’s to lazy too. The past week I’ve felt like I’m walking on eggshells. Today, I’m just beyond it all. I get up, make noise if I must, get coffee, put the earphones on an do what I need to do in the morning. It doesn’t seem to bother anyone else.

I can go on and on with more whining but I think I’m FINALLY letting go of it all. What have a learned from the experience? Actually, as I look back, I’m learning a lot. Most importantly, I let all the small things pile up into a giant molehill which I have absolute no control over. I need to do what I’ve been doing for six months. Instead of drudging up the past getting myself “stuck” I need to make adjustments and move forward. In other words, concentrate of my sobriety, “One Day at a Time”. The chaos of everything outside of me is going to happen only if I choose to get involved.

Today I have three goals:

  • Breathe when things happen, not get involved
  • Stop whining, letting go of all bullshit
  • Just relax today, tuning everyone else out

Hopefully I can have a nice relaxing, peaceful weekend.

Practice what you preach

The inability to have a decent night’s sleep is starting to wear on my nerves. For the last couple of days I have woken up early, attempted to get naps in for the lack of sleep the previous night, only to wake up again the next day in the most awful moods. I referred to the pendulum and in a meeting a gentleman referred to something similar, “Life is like a roller coaster, sometimes we just have to ride it out.”

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame.

Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85

Unfortunately, yesterday was no different. Yes, I had attempted to start fresh, write a new page in my life but I guess my Higher Power had other plans. A bombshell landed in the early afternoon which set my short temper off like a firecracker and I have not yet recovered.

Early afternoon our landlord, who I’ve only seen twice since I’ve moved here, came for a visit. He proceeds to say, “I’ve been told you guys are moving out at the end of the month.” I was in complete and utter shock, then the blood started to boil and I reacted. (Problem 1)

I called out program coordinator who appeared to have no clue of what I was referring to, thus transferred me to someone else. When I talked to the next person, she gave me a direct, “Yes, your all moving at the end of the month, would you like to talk to [Mr. X] (the Clinical Supervisor)?” Without a thought, I reacted saying, “No, you can call Mr. X and tell him to call us!”. Then I hung up. (Problem 2)

My thoughts were running 100 miles per hour. One, I felt disrespected. The program I’m living in doesn’t have the courtesy to say, “Hey, we’ve made a decision to move you to here at the end of the month.” Later I learned They, “didn’t know how to approach us in a softer, easier way”. Seriously? Just the truth would have been nice. Second, I’m in a supportive living program to help bring a sense of stability to my life. Instead I feel like a herd of cattle moving from pen to pen. Lastly, they aren’t even going to bother to help us move except transport us to the new place. It’s their expectation, “We say move and you do the rest.”

My roommate attempts to put me in the right place. He reminds me this program doesn’t care about the clients. They just care about the money. The more they can cut corners the better it looks to corporate. It was just the other day staff disclosed, “Our budget for this year (2019) is already spent . . ” Yet, they keep telling us, “..if you need something, please let us know and we’ll get it for you”. Of course, I want to turn this on me, “You expected something different, Michael.” Yes, I did. But part of me cries out, “This has nothing to do with you Michael.” It’s all about Them! You just happen to be stuck in the middle; I’m just a piece on a chess board strategically being placed square to square.

My Sponsor agreed, been put in the same situation, he would be upset too. But he also reminded me to do a couple of things. Let’s address Problem 1. First, take a breather. (Actually this is a skill I completely forgot about used in my first sobriety until right now!) We, as alcoholics, tend to react in early sobriety. It’s just what we do because our brains have not been rewired entirely, yet. Instead of reacting immediately, wait 24 to 48 hours. Go to meetings, talk to your Sponsor, pray on it, bring topics up in meetings and talk about it in meetings and with other alcoholics. In summary, he reminds me there are probably more underlying issues we need to address then what is on the surface (Step 4).

Since I reacted instead of approaching it through another angle, I admit I owe an amends to the staff member I hung up on. Actually I called back a couple of times but no one would answer the phone (which was odd). Anywho….when the time comes, I will do it. My Sponsor reminded me, “Perhaps do it sooner than later. It’ll be better for you in the long run.” He’s absolutely right.

I love my Sponsor. Lastly, he reminded me, “Michael, you tell us in meetings when you get in your own head, you get yourself in trouble. Aren’t you doing that right now?” Again, he’s right. I’m being a drama queen.

Honestly today my plan is to attend two meetings (one at noon, the other at night) and just LISTEN. I have another appointment with my other treatment counselor in the early afternoon (I’m usually just direct with him answering questions). After this appointment I think I’m going to lay down for a couple hours for a nap. I never did get to watch a movie yesterday either. Hmmmm…..perhaps I’ll do that today/tonight!

I’m feeling better again. I hope I can maintain it throughout the day. Sometimes the hardest thing is walking the walk after you have talked the talk. In other words, “Practice what you preach!”

Turn to A New Blank Page

Time to turn to a new blank page; I woke up alive and sober this morning. My spirits are lifted after my morning prayer, meditation and daily recovery reading postings I do here. Today is my “busy” day running here and there, however I’ve already accomplished a couple of things on my to-do list. Hopefully I can keep the momentum going the rest of the day.

This last weekend was all over the place. I was a swinging pendulum. By the time I came home after a meeting last night, I was completely exhausted. Going to bed early last night accomplished my first goal today – getting enough rest!

As mentioned earlier, I’m continuing to work on my 4th Step – taking a personal inventory. Honestly I haven’t touched it sine Friday/Saturday. I’m not procrastinating. I’m putting little fires out here and there. Something I need to remind myself – I’m not a “fixer”. Self-care came up in the meeting yesterday – a message I needed to here.

After all my morning and early afternoon activities, I’m going to sit myself down and work on my 4th Step a bit more. Technically I have a treatment group this afternoon but I’m not going. Doing this is more important – period. There is a lot of “garbage” I need to get on paper. I’ve been waiting for this moment since the beginning of my sobriety. I need to keep moving forward.

Since the beginning of my sobriety, I haven’t watched a movie I enjoy (i.e. The Sound of Music, Willow, The Neverending Story, Mary Poppins, Cats (on Broadway), Mask (1985) with Cher, The Dark Crystal, etc.) My choices are endless. It just sounds nice to grab perhaps some ice cream from the local Byrne Dairy, or throw some popcorn in the microwave and relax a couple hours before bed tonight.

Don’t know. Just thoughts, not making plans. Whatever happens I’ll be happy with it.

As Phil Keoghan says on the Amazing Race, “The Race starts now . . . ” Off to start my new day. But no rushing to do anything. Things will happen when they are meant to happen!

Problems in the Inner Circle

Trust for a recovering addict is one of those hurdles they must overcome if they are to remain sober. We don’t have to trust everyone. Doing that, based on my own experience, is a detriment to yourself; I learned doing so only hurt myself. However, there are three people I know who will help when I’m having a roller coaster of a day in sobriety. I was shaken to my core, didn’t know what to do, took the tools I was given and used them.

I trust the two other guys I live with and we’ve developed a good relationship with each other. Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for better roommates. Here it comes . . . BUT! When someone crosses the line or breaks that trust, it can get ugly if you let it.

One roommate has people coming in and out of our apartment. While I respect it, there are times when it does get annoying, especially some who just don’t bother to knock, walk right in straight to his room. However, that issue was settled so we lock our front door.

The other day a friend of my roommate made a visit. This person we all know from the recovery community also knowing they struggle with their sobriety, half the time not being sober at all. To make a long story short, they were visiting my roommate, produced a bottle of alcohol and were immediately asked to leave. On the way out they slammed our door. We all agreed this person or any other who is under the influence is no longer allowed.

Not my circus, not my monkeys - Polish Proverb
Polish Proverb

This same roommate burn incense in the bathroom. Honestly, three guys living together, we all have our “blow up” moments. I get it. However, my experience also tells me something isn’t right. Is he trying to mask something else, like marijuana? I put that thought on the back burner. Trust. However, the other day, I went to take a shower. The fan is running, incense burning and I’m floored with the smell of marijuana. Really? Seriously?

As I’m taking a shower my head is racing at a hundred miles per hour. Do I confront him? Do I just “let is slide”? Do I tell staff? I consumed by anger, frustration, fear, worry, etc. I simply didn’t know what to do. Addicts are reactionary; addicts tend to react to situations instead of thinking them through. I sent a text to the roommate basically saying, “Hey, I know what you did/are doing!” Before I did anything other drastic, I called my Sponsor.

We, who live in a residential recovery program live by a double edged sword. On one hand, everyone is ideally (never happens) suppose to be sober/clean. On the other hand, we have rules telling us if we suspect use of illicit drugs we are responsible for inform staff, otherwise we may suffer consequences. It’s a situation all of us struggle with and debate with staff all the time.

My Sponsor gives me suggestions. Still allowing this thing to have room in my head, I decided to take a walk. There is meeting in an hour, so I can eventually get to it. As I’m walking I’m in connection with my Higher Power asking for guidance. Suddenly I realize I am literally lost! I had made a turn here and there, walked across the main road and walked into unknown territory. It was 11:50 a.m., this even started at 11:00 a.m., there was a meeting at 12:00 p.m. I had to view Google Map on my phone to figure my way to the meeting.

People rarely can tell my state of mind. Usually I get the, “Mike, why do you look so mad?” In reality, I”m happy as a clam. It’s facial expressions I haven’t been able to change since my disturbing childhood of neglect. People won’t know how I’m really feeling unless I specifically tell them.

An hour meeting, I sat in silence. Part of me wanted to shout what was going on but we all know, “..what is heard here….stays here” doesn’t always stay true in the rooms. Especially when half or more of us live in such close proximity of each other. I half paid attention to what was said, trying to hear a message. The other half was muddling what I was going to do about this situation. For a good twenty minutes or more, I felt like my body just wanted to get up and RUN. I was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it.

After the meeting, my other roommate and a friend walked to the store, so I tagged along. At one point my roommate asked, “How’s Mikey doing?” I responded, “I’ll talk to you later. I’m not good!” The part I left out is this roommate had no idea yet what I was going through because I wasn’t entirely sure to tell him because of things he is currently going through (depression and he was a “pot head”). He then recognized something was wrong, tried to use humor to brighten my mood but it didn’t work to well.

On the way back from the store I got to talk to my other roommate. He suspected the same thing. I asked him what we should do. We agreed in time, if our roommate is actually doing something, he will get caught and he’ll have to deal with the consequences. Once I got everything out in the open, I felt much better.

There was a lot I learned out of this situation. I will continue to learn as long as I’m “honest, open-minded and willing”. There are three people I have completely trust: 1) my Higher Power, 2) my Sponsor and 3) the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous (talking to another alcoholic/addict). We’re given tools in this program to use to help better our lives. I choose to use them!

To Much Recovery? The Importance of Self Care


I’ve often wondered during this week if there is such a thing as “to much recovery”. I attend an average to two meetings a week, plus another Fellowship (Codependents Anonymous) and all the other running around I do for myself and others. After talking to my Sponsor, he agreed a “break” was needed, just a day or two of taking care of myself. That was the plan. I’m simply exhausted from this week’s activities.

Yesterday I made it a point to have a “me” day. My plan was to stay home to get some non-AA things taken care of, or at least started, so I wouldn’t be “overwhelmed” next week. But my Sponsor inviting me to a Grapevine meeting we typically can’t attend in another town, so I jumped at it. There was another meeting in the afternoon which is part of my home group so I felt obligated to attend. Afterward, I had to physically remove myself (for reasons I don’t remember now) so I took a walk to the store. When I got home I wanted to do something “mindless” (i.e. automated, something that doesn’t make me have to think) so I played my game, Achaea only to have those plans smashed (for good reason).

Even this morning, I’m still feel physically, mentally and spiritually spent; I just don’t have the energy to do anything. Yet, I have two more meetings today: a regular “Hole in the Doughnut” meeting, early this morning and an AA District meeting. My Sponsor politely asked us, of those he sponsors, to attend “because there are some new responsibilities for me I need help with . . .” Sometimes, often more than not, I feel I have a duty, as a responsible AA member, to attend such things at any cost, even my own.

*** Queensryche song starts playing in my head ***
“I remember now . . . ”
(I have to chuckle because I was listening to it yesterday

while playing my game, so it’s still stuck in my head).

Why did I have to “remove” myself from my own home? There is a particular person, a woman, who was visiting my roommate. Even though she “claims” to be in recovery, the WHOLE community knows better and knows her intentions where ever she goes – to us its no secret. However, I respect my roommate’s decision. For me, I had to leave because I just want “rip her a new one”! Long story short . . .apparently she was “half lit” when she got here. She also produced a bottle of alcohol to my roommate. It was then he asked her to leave. On her way out she slams the door. Oh no no no..that did not just happen in my presence! My roommate and I had a nice little chat. I was honest with him, he with me and we agreed she is no longer allowed her. Period!

No matter where I am or what I’m doing recovery is all around me; I live in a recovery residential program, everyone I know is in recovery, everyone knows I’m a “go to” guy if they need to speak to someone about recovery, etc. While that is all well and dandy, there are time I just want to be ALONE. But that just can’t happen either.

** break – went to a meeting **

I went to the meeting with an intention of “telling people how I feel”. But the topics and what people said is what I needed to hear. It improved my mood a little. I still want to “barricade myself” (as I just told my roommate) in my room, take a nap and play my game. But part of me strongly believes if I do so, it may (if I let it) get closer to a drink, based on my experience. This is where the program kicks in and works for me.

Instead of saying anything at the meeting I listened; everything in the meeting had relevance to me and how I feel. Instead of focusing on all the negative, I need to turn it into a positive:

  1. I didn’t drink today; I’m sober.
  2. I’m not alone. People in the meeting shared their craziness. I’m just like them, an alcoholic who has times where are emotions are on our sleeves. The point is – I don’t have to act on them.
  3. I go to meetings because it is there I will receive the answers I’m looking for and I did!

Today, I’m right where I’m suppose to be. While it may be overwhelming at times, there is a lesson to be learned. Don’t forget where I came from! Something I hear in meetings all the time, “My worst day sober is better than my “bestday drinking.” I’m not having a bad day, just disturbing thoughts I need to push through one step at a time.