Rising Above It All

This is a continuation of the last post – Round 2 – Sober Day 4 . . .

I got screwed but I have to accept the consequences of my decisions. As mentioned in the previous post, recent events turned my life upside down. This morning I woke up, clear headed, to make a decision to cut all ties.  It’s been done. I’m rising about it all.

Even before I dialed his number, I knew how this conversation was going to pan out.  For the couple of minutes we talked it was all about him, more lies and placing blame on me.  However, I kept my cool and my boundaries.

The guy who left stole from me draining my bank accounts and taking my rent money. I knew about the bank account because I let him do it. I take responsibility for it. The rent money I didn’t find out about until last night when I noticed the place I keep it was disturbed. I never told him I had cash of any kind on me because I always use my debit card. I know I should be calling the cops right now but I’m not because it’s not going to help me nor will it help anyone else. Yes, it may help prevent him from doing it to others but right now, I have to keep the focus on me. I don’t need to be distracted or add more drama to my life right now.

Honesty

I remember my ex-Sponsor saying, “I want you to be honest with me but more importantly be honest with yourself at all times.” Now, I have learned there are times to be honest with others and times you should not. This is a time I need to be honest with my landlord. So, the next right thing to do was to call the landlord to give him the bad news. I didn’t know what to expect but again, I am accepting all consequences of my decisions.  After giving the details he has agreed to extend my rent date to the 15th of March with a late fee.

I called my sister who, in the past, I haven’t had an ideal relationship. In the past, I have called her for money (and paid back) but it was going to start at square one again due to the relapse. I wasn’t calling for money at all, I was calling to tell her exactly what has hppened. This guy has agreed to NOT come to my house for any reason unless I make a specific committment of date and time.  But he’s an addict, a resourceful one, so I have my doubts. That was the basis of our conversation.

There was doubt in her voice. Doubt I would keep sobriety, doubt I was telling a lie. Trust I had built up with her in my ten years of sobriety, all gone. I’m okay with it, honestly. I understand. However, it was nice to bouce ideas off her on what I should do in regards to this guy. We came to the conclusion “there is really nothing you can do”. Something I didn’t keep true in my ten years of previous sobriety was keeping in contact with her.  I will make it a point in this new journey to do that on a consistent basis.

Making a Committment

Right here and now I am making a committment to myself to stay sober and live a sober life to the best of my ability. Why “to the best of my ability”? I live more than 30 miles from an AA meeting (I perfer in person meetings, NOT online – I can’t see a persons face to see if they are actually geniune.)  I’m in the position of not being able to do much.

I will not be able to attend a meeting until I get an income. While I expect some income from the last job on Friday, I’m not expecting much. It may be enough to get me back and forth to work for the rest of the week at the least, I simply don’t know.

Perhaps I should investigate online meetings – readers please comment!

Moving Forward

On a positive note, after I quit my job on Tuesday of last week, I got another job on Thursday. I start with orientation today (in an hour and a half). I was told I’ll be working with a particular person (whom I worked with before) from 3-11. I have to work day shift (7 a.m. to 3 p.m. a day, a couple of days, I’m not sure.  Whether I have to work with weekend is another qestion mark. Typically, new employees are exempt working weekends during probation or at least one. I’m not sure who this facility works that out but its a question I’m going to ask today. One of many questions.

In the meantime, I am going to get my head back into the Big Book and start reading it, especially the first 164 pages. Already it is hard to go through this with a fresh start, but I’m going to try start this new journey on a clean slate. I’m going to force myself to think as “you know nothing”. Obviously, I don’t – I drank and the consequences of that making stupid deicisons.

I will continue with this blog.  Obviously, I need to make some revisions. But, first and foremost, I will write about what is going on.  This blog has always been about my thoughts, feelings, a journal of my life. I’m not a writer. So, if you’ve been with me this long, please stick around. However, if you tired of “newbie” blogs, I completely understand.

 

 

Round 2 – Sober Day 4

Today is my fourth full day of sobriety.

I woke up today a completely different person. In recent days there were a series of events I’ve kept to myself because I thought I could handle it alone. I’ve known this is the wrong decision from the beginning, but what was done is done. I, as well as many addicts and recovering addicts deal with issues of codependency. Codependency for me is the process of helping others because you think by doing so you’re helping yourself. Instead, you just ignoring yourself, your own sobriety and making matters worse believing by “fixing” another person’s problems you’re fixing yourself. We’ll all absolutely wrong to think it!

A Brief History

Last week, when I was still drinking, I picked up a friend because he was kicked out of his house, no where to go, sober and needed a place to stay to “clear his head”. Without a thought I made the long trip to pick him up to bring him home. Actually, my thought was, if he’s sober, he can help me get sober. But deep down inside something wasn’t right and I ignored it. Typical when your in active addiction. A couple days later my world has been turned upside down. I’m going through the same situation I have gone through before, years ago.

Yesterday, after much frustration, I confronted him. He’s not sober at all. Thankfully today, he’s back at his parent’s house trying to swindle them instead of me. So now I have resentment, guilt, shame and a host of other feelings. But I know what must be done.

What now?

This is going to be the first big step in my new life of sobriety. I will NOT guarantee things will go smoothly. My ex-sponsor always said, “Don’t expect anything because if you do and it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be disappointed which leads to resentment.” But my experience has taught me, when you’re trying to get sober yourself, it’s best to cut all ties.

The Focus Right Now is ME and MY soberity

First, thank you bgddyjim, the author of another sober blog I read (Fit Recovery, Stay Clean Get Fit). In a recent comment, bgddyjim (the author) commented on a post of mine:

“…without recovery none of that other crap matters.
The job, the apartment or home, the wife
and kids…
without recovery none of that stuff is possible.”

If I want to stay sober, the focus needs to be ME. Perhaps I’m wrong to think this – when it comes to my sobriety, nothing else matters but ME. Already is my first couple days of my sobriety, I have enough issues. Everything else doesn’t matter right now.

 

 

 

 

 

New Chapters in Life

This week was full of ups and downs, as life is most days. I quit my job, I relapsed, I got another job and I’m helping a friend who is now staying with me. While I’m actively drinking, I am attempting to cut down so withdrawal symptoms aren’t severe. But the future looks bright and I have hope again!

For those sending messages or emails, my apologies for not answering them. At first I got tired of all the “suggestions”. At the same time, I’m attempting to start again with an attitude of  “I don’t know anything” instead of “I know . .”. Honestly, I relapsed because I wanted to. I simply gave up. Plain and simple.

There is a since of relief I quit my job. But then there came worry about finding another. But ex-coworkers told me, “Mike, you’ll get a job in no time, trust me.” Honestly, I didn’t believe them. Then I received messages saying I was expected somewhere, so all I had to do was apply and I would have a job. It was TRUE. I went to another facility, filled out an application and I’ll be starting my new job on Wednesday of next week.

In the meantime an old friend needed some help. Despite my own problems, I reached out my hand. He’s a recovering addict who fell on hard times with a girlfriend. He’s now staying with me for a while to clear his head. At the same time, he knows my situation and so we have a plan.

Lastly, I have begun the hard task of tapering my drinking. In the last two days I have had six beers total. It helps to have another sober person in the house. On the other hand, its not ideal to just suddenly quit either. Why?  For those who are not aware, alcohol withdrawal if not properly managed can/will lead to death. When I’m more clear headed perhaps I’ll post my views on that subject. For now, its not a reason to keep drinking, believe me. My friend is going through a lot already.

So this is where I am today.

Wait…What?

I just received a message from an ex-coworker who now works at another facility.While I sent my resume to this facility a while ago, the Director of Nursing and I are playing phone tag. Another ex-coworker who now works there said she would “put in a word for me” too.  The new message reads,  “Good they said they will put u on my floor my shift.”

Seriously, I haven’t even walked through the door . . .

I can’t and I won’t screw this up. I responded with, “I’ll be there at 10 or 11 am tomorrow.”

Someone is looking out for me, for that I am thankful!

I have hope this will end soon!

The Relapse

We make stupid decisions when our active addiction fully consumes us. Perhaps this is not the best time to dislose these details here since I’m currently drinking. But the original purpose of this site still remains the same:

It is my hope that this blog serves several purposes. It offers a glimpse to the non-addict of what an addict and a recovering addict goes through in life. The hope that another addict reads this blog and starts their own journey in recovery. Lastly and most importantly, a blank canvas where I can explore my thoughts, feelings and my creative side.

There is so much I want to say, yet want to keep to myself. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start. So I might as well just dive right in.

I knew a replase was coming. It was obvious. It had been a lingering thought in the back of my mind for a while. A growing fear I was about to travel down a dark path, yet again, in my life to only who knows where.  I simply did nothing to prevent it; I simply gave up the fight.

Honestly, I was playing a dangerous game with myself and those around me. On the inside, I was a miserable mess; I was lonely, tired and hungry. On the outside I portrayed this strong, confident person (or so I thought). I guess I was waiting for someone to ask, “Hey Mike, is everything okay.” I probably would have cried like a baby. The expectation people acually cared. No one cared. Oh but now they all do, as I’ve been fielding messages, texts, etc. all day. In the end, I was lying to myself and everyone around me everything was okay.

Am I angry right now? Actually I’m not. It’s more of a feeling of relief. But its just a cover up of my fear of the future. Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of where this is going to take me. I’m scared of not getting a job anytime soon. I’m scared of ending up exactly where I was ten years ago.

Side note:
I’m attempting to refrain from saying, “I know..” because I don’t.
I don’t know anything right now.
I know nothing.

It’s clear to me what I need to do. I’ve just become extremely lazy. I’m made excuse after excuse after excuse. I have not accepted responsibility. I’m just not there yet.

I know There is/was never an expectation drinking would “solve my problems”. I know My problems are still there when I wake up. The hundred emotions are all at the forefront.

Right now, I woke up at 2 a.m., I’ve had my forth cup of coffee. I’m trying to stay focused but its hard. “The fog” is beginning to creep back in. The “committee” is awakening. I simply don’t care. I don’t get pleasure out of this at all. The smell of Budwiser disgusts me,  yet I continue to pick up one can after another. All those AA slogans crash into my head at the same time. It’s the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

Hopefully some day soon I crawl out of this hole. I just don’t know if it’s going to be today.

 

 

 

Making Hard Decisions

Just got home from my third 16-hour shift in a week. Typically I do four 12-hour shifts a week. However, due to the shortage of staff, call offs and people who quit, I’ve been “mandated” by management to stay. Enough was enough. When you jeopardize my health and the safety of those I care for, I have to make a hard decision. I turned in my letter of resignation effective immediately.

Honestly, I want to cheer, cry, throw my first threw a wall, yell until I have no voice but I have no energy to do any of it. I hardly have the energy to write this.

I have threatened to quit a 1000 times over for various reasons. I never put my foot down because my clients came first. This time I did surprising not only myself but I’m sure I surprised the hell out of a lot of other people too.

I’m going to take a couple of days off to recover. I need to get back into a regular sleeping pattern, eat better and basically get my life in order. Then I’ll be out looking for another job.

Another chaper in my life has closed. It’s my hope other opportunities open!