Is This a Bad Day?

I woke up this morning, tired as hell. Typically Thursdays are a relaxing day with just treatment group in the morning, a coffee commitment and meeting at noon, then the rest of the day is for me. But added to my day today, I have meetings with two people I sponsor, as well as meeting with my own sponsor. I have a sense of being overwhelmed. My thoughts, “Have I gotten to involved in my recovery. Do I need to take a step back. Is there a thing of “to much recovery”?

My roommate, the one having his own issues, was up late last night inconsiderate of me and our other roommate. He just was. I’ll leave it there. I called my sponsor earlier in the evening. The message was I have to worry about myself. Damn it, that is so hard sometimes especially when you live with someone who you are concerned about – I feel helpless.

One person I sponsor comes over every morning so I can help set his day straight. On the other hand, he is always asking for a cigarette. This is going to stop when I speak to him later in the day. I understand where he’s at and I’m willing to help him. However, there is a point where I must set a boundary – this is his recovery, he has to do the work and not become dependent on me.

Treatment group question – Why are you here? What is it going to take for your to complete? I was just honest. I don’t want to be there. I’m mandated in a sense because of my residential program. I’m not getting anything out of treatment groups. However, it is my hope my experience I share in groups about the topic helps someone else.

I’m walking home, talk to a few more people about recovery. I just want it all to stop just for a minute. I need to reset. Yet, as I’m walking home a thought occurs to me, “Perhaps this is not a bad day. Just maybe, if you let it, it will turn around.” I truly believe all the things I’m involved in are for a purpose, not only for myself but to help others. I just have to make the appropriate changes in my life and sometimes appropriate sacrifices (i.e. not getting enough sleep).

Before I started writing, I checked people who made comments or replied to a comment I made on their post. I replied to lackadaisicalwhimsy ‘s post about a recent relapse, getting back into recovery and not being motivated. lackadaisicalwhimsy replied to me saying how it helped and motivated them to take action. So thank YOU, lackadaisicalwhimsy for getting me motivated to do what I need to do when “I’m not having such a good day!”

That alone has just turned my whole day around. For me, that is how recovery works. I recognize my Higher Power wouldn’t have put all these people in my life is there was not a reason. I need all this because inside me I still have thoughts running through my head – in reality, I need to get out of myself!

Now, let’s get things done!

Into Action

There is a reason Chapter 6, Into Action (AA Big Book, 4th Edition), cries out to me today. In the last couple of days, I’ve been “out of sorts”. Work, yet again, has frustrated me to no end. Unknowingly, this frustration seeped back into my personal life. I’ve reverted back to my lazy, selfish Self, full time. Something needs to change. “The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it” (p. 83). So another phrase now rings in my ears, “Don’t think, just do it!”

I work up with my cat’s annoying yowling and crying. Sometimes I can ignore it but today wasn’t one of those days. So I got up after 5 hours of sleep, feed her and started my day. I’m not annoyed at her; it’s not her fault, she just wants to be fed. It’s all about me.

As I’m in the kitchen I am disgusted with myself. Dirty dishes in the sink, a dirty kitty litter pan, small spills on the counters, these small things are starting to really annoy me. I went back to the bedroom to journal my recovery post for the morning. I visited the bathroom to be yet annoyed again at the pile of clothes sitting on the dryer. I stomped out of the house to the front porch to smoke a cigarette.

When I’m sitting on the front porch it can turn into a short meditation session for me. I relax when the first rays of sunlight stream over the mountain behind me. As the fresh, unadulterated air seeps into my lungs (despite the cigarette hanging out of my mouth), I am refreshed. I let my frustrations and worries seep back into the Earth.

Before I stepped back into the house, I made a plan. Despite my initial plan to head to an AA meeting, I am here. I have a load of laundry in both washer and dryer. The kitchen is next. Afterward, there are other things I should have done the other day. They are getting done NOW.

Spiritually, I have been out of touch. Rushing to satisfy my selfishness, I have ignored important things in my life. This needs to stop. I need to connect with my Higher Power to help squash (or at least put in check) those defects of character. Today I’m setting time aside to be alone with my Higher Power. It’s been far too long.