Into Action

There is a reason Chapter 6, Into Action (AA Big Book, 4th Edition), cries out to me today. In the last couple of days, I’ve been “out of sorts”. Work, yet again, has frustrated me to no end. Unknowingly, this frustration seeped back into my personal life. I’ve reverted back to my lazy, selfish Self, full time. Something needs to change. “The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it” (p. 83). So another phrase now rings in my ears, “Don’t think, just do it!”

I work up with my cat’s annoying yowling and crying. Sometimes I can ignore it but today wasn’t one of those days. So I got up after 5 hours of sleep, feed her and started my day. I’m not annoyed at her; it’s not her fault, she just wants to be fed. It’s all about me.

As I’m in the kitchen I am disgusted with myself. Dirty dishes in the sink, a dirty kitty litter pan, small spills on the counters, these small things are starting to really annoy me. I went back to the bedroom to journal my recovery post for the morning. I visited the bathroom to be yet annoyed again at the pile of clothes sitting on the dryer. I stomped out of the house to the front porch to smoke a cigarette.

When I’m sitting on the front porch it can turn into a short meditation session for me. I relax when the first rays of sunlight stream over the mountain behind me. As the fresh, unadulterated air seeps into my lungs (despite the cigarette hanging out of my mouth), I am refreshed. I let my frustrations and worries seep back into the Earth.

Before I stepped back into the house, I made a plan. Despite my initial plan to head to an AA meeting, I am here. I have a load of laundry in both washer and dryer. The kitchen is next. Afterward, there are other things I should have done the other day. They are getting done NOW.

Spiritually, I have been out of touch. Rushing to satisfy my selfishness, I have ignored important things in my life. This needs to stop. I need to connect with my Higher Power to help squash (or at least put in check) those defects of character. Today I’m setting time aside to be alone with my Higher Power. It’s been far too long.


A Bump On A Log

There are times, typically several times everyday, I criticize myself for my own laziness. So what is holding me back?  Procrastination! I give myself 1000+ excuses finally coming to the conclusion, “I can just do it tomorrow.”  Right now, I just don’t have the motivation to do anything, for a variety of reasons.

For instance, my home is a complete disaster.  Obviously, I’m exaggerating.  It’s not like I’m a secret hoarder or have cockroaches running around. Or am I? [An example of my bad sense of humor].  No, I don’t.  But I want this, that, this, that and this done. I literally have a running list in my head categorized by room.  The list just gets longer instead of shorter. It’s frustrating.  After almost ten years here, I accumulated so much stuff and I need to just simply throw out. But I can’t even do ONE simple thing.

On a day like today, when I work, there are two or three hours to myself before I have get in my car for the hour and a half ride to work.  After an eight hour shift, I’m back in the car for the ride home.  Typically I sit my fat arse down in front of the TV watching late night television.  Fit in eight hours of sleep **quickly doing math**  and I have TWO HOURS A DAY left.

I have days off, typically twice a week.  But they are sporadic; never the same two days off nor two days in a row (an ideal weekend).  I haven’t had an ideal weekend since October 2016.  I joke with people, “My schedule changes like the wind.”  Literally, every day I have to check the schedule.  On many occasions it has changed without my knowledge or I’ve agreed to work such days weeks ago, yet forgotten.  But I’m a trooper getting to work early and working as scheduled without an argument.

Something has to change – soon!  Again, I say that but I’m so tired these days, I don’t have any motivation to do anything.  The new schedule came out at work – wait, what, seriously? I have a weekend in January and I have two days together off at the beginning of February.  YESSSS!  It just can’t get here so enough.