The Plan & Epic Failure

I have a thousand emotions running through my veins right now.  Perhaps it’s not the right place nor the write time to write about it.  But I need to get it out, otherwise I’m going to go crazy. The plan was to politely tell my Sponsor I would like to remain friends, ending our AA relationship, but it turned out to be an epic failure.

Joe and I arranged to have lunch at a local deli.  I was already expecting to be asked, ‘So what are you pissed at me about.”  I was right.  Not five minutes through the door the question was asked.  Really? I told him it was not the appropriate place nor time.

After our lunch, we met at his house.  First words, “So, go ahead and lay it into me . . .” Really? The plan was to bring up such topics as:

  • Putting salt in open wounds (recent rude, condescending remarks via text)
  • Interrupting
  • Hypocrisy (saying one thing, yet doing another)
  • Pawning things on others
  • Not accepting responsibility for own faults

In a calm nature, I explained that I had enough.  He interrupts about something completely different. **grind teeth** We disagree about comments made the other day, so I pull out my phone.  Joe, “I now what I said, you don’t have to show me.”  Really?  Obviously you have forgotten.  Then he doesn’t listen, just blabs away blaming everything on me.

I was done.  I got up and left.  But then I had to return to get MY DVD player which was on loan to him.  He gave me choice works, “You’re going to take my only entertainment?” (because he has no cable, something he CHOSE because he can’t afford it). “What about the cats?” Seriously, Joe.  You’ve had them for 19 years (he says) and wants to pawn them on me. “You’ve become so vindictive since you’re new job.”  Seriously . . . “Mike, why are you running.  You always run from your problems and don’t face them.”  Ummm, okay.

People in AA tell me all the time, “Mike, what the HELL do you see in that guy.  He’ll just f**k  you over, like everyone else.”  I’ve ignored those comments for years.  He was a really nice guy with the right intentions.  However, since his argument with his landlord, then moving to a new place and downsizing considerably, he’s become another person.  A person I choose no longer to be associated with anymore.

I want to punch a wall, cry my brains out, scream at the top of my lungs. But honestly, I feel sorry for him. One of the few strong relationships, besides his family, now gone. I know he thinks this will just blow over in a few weeks or months.  It won’t.

I wanted to be civil. To help him understand why I felt the way I did.  Instead, he didn’t want to hear it.  He wanted to turn everything around on me. Not having it.

Another chapter in my life is now closed.

The end.

 

 

A Short Fuse

I have short fuse: annoyance, frustration, then anger just keeps building up until I blow like Mount St. Helen’s. It’s those many defects of character I work on a daily basis I can’t seem get under control. In the past, I reached for the bottle because I kept those feelings tucked deep inside. Since then I learned tools to deal with them in an appropriate manner but many times I react before I think. The end result is disastrous – always.

For instance, here is a situation I am currently struggling with. I tend to make promises I can’t keep. It’s not intentional. People don’t seem to understand my schedule as a CNA change change on a whim.

Monday I had to work a double (3 p.m. to 7 a.m.) because I was mandated. My employer required me to work at risk of being fired if I did not. This is not something I choose to do nor I agree with nor something I can control. This is common in the nursing field; we can’t just leave our jobs until we are relieved by another person.

I had made plans with this person before I went to work on Tuesday but had to cancel. Tuesday morning I receive a text with a smart ass remark, “I figured that. You have to get your 10 hours of sleep. Tomorrow will be another excuse.” I was flabbergasted.

What I wanted to do, right then and there, was rip off his head and shit down his throat. Seriously. After working a 12 hour shift, after a three day weekend, after the previous weeks fiasco with Storm Stella? I thought it was unnecessary, uncompassionate and not understanding of my situation at all.
I didn’t respond nor have I responded to additional texts, as if nothing happened at all.

Part of me just wants to end the relationship or at a minimum take a break. The other part of me wants to attempt to talk to him. Problem: He is my Sponsor. I know him well enough, he’ll just turn this around on me, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

I vowed to NOT write about him in this journal, yet over the last couple of weeks, he keeps popping up.  Every now and then, we get to this stage in the relationship, we take a break for a couple of months, then repeat the cycle.  I don’t know if I should get off the merry-go-round or just grim my teeth and bare it.

Part of me feels a life long debt to him.  The other part of him wants to throw his hypocritical, selfish, self serving, insincere, sorry ass to the curb. **SELF:  Temper, Michael. Temper.** On the other hand, perhaps it is time we just part of seperate ways.

Any comments, questions or concerns would be appreciated.

What happens when your relationship with your Sponsor is no longer healthy for either of you?