An Uncomfortable Feeling

Something is going on with me, whether it is physically, mentally or spiritually. It started yesterday. I had a nice lunch with another sober friend and when I got home – something just changed. Suddenly I’m feeling restless, irritable and discontent.

This is a mental dump of what is going on in my brain, so it’s long. I’m just having a bad day

Yesterday when I woke up, I felt tired as I do most mornings now. There is a problem with my room getting enough, if any, amount of heat during the night. The landlord came over who I had never met before but was warned about his attitude After this experience I hope I don’t have to see again. He reminded me of a typical slum landlord – one who just wants the money and scoffs are the idea when you bring up a problem. So I deal with the circumstances – wearing two shirts to bed with a sweatshirt, sweatpants, sock and a heavy blanket. This arrangement will only be for a couple of months but I do need to start planning naps during the day to compensate for the lack of sleep at night.

Everything is starting to annoy me. I try to not let things get under my skin, no matter how small. Stupid little things are going to happen throughout the day. Yet more often than not I find myself saying, “WTF?” Afterwards I’m irritable because I can’t get things done the way I want them done (selfishness, I know).

For instance, yesterday as I’m attempting to post my readings on this blog, I noticed the editor changed to this “block style”. Okay, WordPress warned us, let me give it a try. I spent two hours formatting the damn thing. Fine. I’ll just change to HTML and make the corrections. Unfortunately, just like Microsoft, WordPress has put there own crap in the coding. UGH. Grudgingly, I admit defeat. So be it.

Lately I’m getting tired of treatment groups. Since I started I have made all appointments and groups. I intentionally missed a treatment group yesterday and even right now.

The whole process with this facility has been laughable. It took me a month to get in there right out of rehab. My counselor is always forgetting our individual appointments by not telling me he changed the appointment and forgetting to tell me or double books me with someone else. He doesn’t take me out of groups as we discussed and agreed upon. Meanwhile, I get weird looks or questions from staff, “Mike is everything okay? Oh, you missed group(s), so you have to wait to talk to Mr. X. Mike, this isn’t like you, you usually call us if you missed group. It happens at least once a week and its frustrating.

Luckily I have an individual appointment with my counselor on Friday. I would like to discuss dropping me down to two groups per week. Honestly, group therapy is not working because I’ve been through it. Hell, I use to teach it at an old job. Even a group facilitator jokes, “I know Mike has the answer . . .”

One group I would like dismissed is Men’s group. Either the facilitator talks most of the group or one particular person runs his mouth off about something we hear week after week after week. Sadly, the facilitator happens to be my counselor too. Besides, I have no interest in talking about women (Hello – gay and obviously my counselor knows this) nor do I want to talk about football, construction or cars.

The other group is Stress Group. Every group we “check in” with our stress level from one to ten. My response every week, “Zero”. I’m grateful to have certain things taken care of for me. However, I do respect the frustration of the rest of the group who doesn’t have this opportunity. I’ve been in their shoes. So I offer my experience. But again, its hearing the same thing over and over week after week from the same person. Most of them aren’t in a 12 Step program either. Hey, it’s there lives. So be it. But its stressful for me just being in a Stress Group where no one wants to listen!

Lastly, I’m really trying hard to work on codependency issues. In the last couple of weeks, a few of the guys in the residential program relapsed. For me, it was something I knew it was coming. All I can do is wish them the best and if approached offer my experience, strength and hope. However, most don’t believe in 12 Step programs anyway. The problem is other sober people are not handling it well and I can see it on their faces, as well as in their own behaviors. Perhaps even my own. I want to jump right in and “fix” it. I can’t, I won’t. I have my own issues right now.

My roommate and a friend of ours in the rooms had a troubled past with each other. They thought it was a good idea to get involved with each other. My roommate learned his lesson after weeks of turmoil. Our friend, on the other hand, has a host of issues of her own to deal with. I’m trying to keep an arms distance with her because I don’t want to be sucked into her own drama and shit. But I still want to be a friend and a listening ear. She was the one I had lunch with yesterday. All we spoke about was either my roommate or her issues (which she claims are mental health issues). It’s draining to listen to it all. I offer suggestions yet get a response, “Oh, that’s not going to work…” I end the lunch with, “What happened to honesty, open-mindedness and willingness?” Then I was honest saying I was tired, it was time to take a nap when in reality I just wanted to run away.

I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like it. This dump has helped some. But I really need to take an honest look at what is really going on (selfishness, self-pity, etc.). I’m DEFINITELY going to a meeting to bring up this topic than quietly listen! Hopefully, I can change this mood around.

The Current State of Affairs

It’s been over a week since my move into my new home. I have been doing nothing but work, work and work some more. Since I’m much closer to work it gives me an opportunity to pick up shifts for some extra needed money. Remember, I moved in with literally nothing. There is a cost for my decision. How things have quickly changed from peaceful and serene to a state of restlessness, irritability, and discontent.

heart_20170709 Sunday of last week I picked up this cutie from my Sponsor. Her name is Heart. She’s 19 years old (supposedly).  “Grandpa” (as I now call my ex-Sponsor) could not care for her anymore. How I quickly forgot the responsibilities of a kid in the house! It cost me nearly $50 to get her all set up in the house. She no longer has to fight with her sister over food and can get all the love in the world from me (if I were home). This picture represents the stare I get in the morning when I’m sitting on the floor, typing on the computer and she wants attention. What am I to do but oblige! She’s irresistible. But she misses her sister dearly, as she howls in the middle of the night but

But at times she can be the devil too!  She misses her sister dearly or me howling in the middle of the night. Thankfully that behavior is diminishing. She also likes to wake me up between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m. because she wants to be fed. Yesterday I ignored her, so she began to lick my nose until I woke up! Lastly, anytime I’m awake it’s all about her, “Dad, I want loves …” **purr, purr** . I feel bad for leaving her for so long sometimes.

It’s just “the same shit, different day” at work. Last week, I worked 10 hours overtime. I am also working a total of eleven days straight before I get a day off. I’ve come in early and did a double shift (16 hours) the other day. This is my fault because I told them I was available. Therefore, I’m simply doing as agreed.

frustrationaltanakaI’ve tried, as much as possible, to ignore the whining of my co-workers. But when you have competent residents who start to act like children, it can get overwhelming. I’ve talked to three residents, who others simply ignore, reminding them there are sixty residents in the building and their behaviors are rude, disrespectful and getting quite annoying for someone as old as them. I wasn’t mean nor yelling, I was just stern. It seemed to work in the last 24 hours. On the other hand, I’ve been told by various employees and residents how much they appreciate all the hard work I put in. Some are thinking of going to the Administrator (who I haven’t even met) to let her know of my dedication to the job. I don’t expect anything. I’m there because I like my job, despite the constant obstacles and I truly care about the well-being of my residents, as a CNA should be.

Lastly, I have begun to get to meetings again. It hasn’t been consistent but I’m going.  The meeting I have gone to I’ve made my home group. There isn’t much a choice for a Sponsor, so I’m going to wait until I get to other meetings. My home group is very receptive to my knowledge and experience of the program.

I know things will work out in time; I just need to practice patience. As they say, “God will only put enough on your plate that you can handle if you let Him.” I’ve experienced it, so I truly believe it.